Dr Yasir Qadhi Gives a Recipe for Happy Muslim Marriages
By Tahir Ali
Worcester: The Worcester Islamic Center (WIC) located on East Mountain Street was packed to capacity on a Saturday night. It was not an Eid party, nor a wedding ceremony or a celebration of any kind. An estimated turnout of over a thousand was due to the presence of Dr Yasir Qadhi (Qazi), an American Muslim scholar born in Texas, Yale graduate and a writer of Pakistani descent.
Abu Aamar Yasir Qadhi was invited to talk on how to build strong and successful Muslim marriages as the foundation of our society. The project management team was led by Stephen Ives and his wife Mona Salem along with Fayrous Hassan the VP of Events and Programming at WIC.
Mona Ives expressed her thanks to a large team of volunteers. “The lecture and Q&A were very well received. The team of volunteers contributed funds and sweat equity who worked tirelessly for the last 3-4 months to bring this large-scale event to fruition.”
Dr Qadhi touched on such previously-considered taboo subjects as “the language of love,” and sex and intimacy in marriage. He discussed in great length and explained to an attentive audience the five languages of love. The first one he labeled as ‘words, words, words;’ the second as ‘time’, the third ‘gifts’, the fourth ‘language‘, and the fifth ‘physical touch.’
“90% of the time you [men and women] are not speaking the language of love,” Dr Qadhi claimed. “It is essential to express your love for one another - women always need affirmation over and over again.”
He mentioned a Hadith - albeit weak - that Hazrat Ayesha asked the Prophet how much he loved her. The Prophet responded in poetic metaphor - like a tight knot. Dr Qadhi said that it was Sunnah to announce your love to your wife “but nowadays men feel awkward to say it in private, so forget it in public,” he said laughingly. But, on a serious note, he said it is necessary to make her feel that she is the best thing in life. He also emphasized that the wife needs to be supportive of her husband. He gave the example of Hazrat Khadija: how she gave comfort to Prophet Mohammad (WAS) when he was trembling after he received the first wahi. “The wife needs to be the number one fan, not the number one critic,” Qadhi said.
"When your wife says, 'You don’t spend too much time with me,' she is not talking about clock time, she is asking for quality time.” On the other hand, he told the ladies that they need to understand that men also need precious moments of solitude to unwind; he called it “man-cave where he goes to hibernate.” He further added, "Ladies, he also needs to spend time with his friends."
Another language of love is by way of giving gifts to one another. He recalled the painstaking search of Hazrat Ayesha for the necklace the Prophet (SAW) gave to her. “Guys you need to give her gifts,” the Sheikh said, “of course, she may come back with a response like, ‘why did you spend so much money?’ Men are simpletons, they don’t read in. They will think that she did not like the gift, but she really did. Women say one thing but have 7 facets of meaning.”
Another win-win situation is doing what the other person usually does. Doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, taking out the garbage. Hazrat Ayesha narrated of the Prophet that he would milk the she-goats and mend his own shoes. “What percentage of men do that today?” he asked.
The fifth category he touched upon was Physical Touch. Here he steered himself into rather sensitive territory. He openly discussed sex and intimacy in marriage. He mentioned the two kinds of touching, one being nonsexual, the other being the actual act. He explained that men go directly into the sexual part. “Don’t go to her like an animal - that leaves her feeling objectified”
Dr Yasir Qadhi completely mesmerized his listeners. They came from all over New England and some even traveled from New York and New Jersey.
The question-and-answer session was very interactive and fulfilling. The sheikh summed the recipe of a happy marriage in two short sentences: “She wants to be adored and loved. He wants admiration and respect, if he gets that he will take care of her."