The
Trophy Daughter-in-Law
By Gul Nisar
Greenville, NC
The younger the girl, the better
suitable for marriage she is to a 25+ year old
guy. This seems to be a common mindset between
our South Asian mother-in-laws-to-be. Their defense:
It is by far easier to manipulate a younger girl’s
intellectual process, in regards to establishing
a train of thought. This is a common trend among
our South Asian families.
Mother-in-laws-to-be want to find a girl for their
son who is still living under her parents roof,
mildly educated from a local university and most
definitely is under the age of 25. Why is it that
the 18 to early 20s girls are a target for marriage?
It’s simple. The girls who have lived sheltered
lives would seem to naturally follow the train
of thought of their household.
This is by no means a negative notion. It only
explains that girls who have not had the real
world experience of living on their own, dealing
with life matters in regards to the financial
and social realms and who have had limited contact
with people of different walks of life possibly
have not stepped outside their safe cocoons and
experienced the world to their fullest. And have
not had a chance to simply develop their opinions
about life in general.
I do not mean to undermine the enlightenment of
a young girl living under her parents’ roof
by any proportions. I only desire to emphasize
the fact that in order to form an opinion of oneself,
by understanding the aspects of one’s own
existence, perception of life and purpose of life,
it is necessary to step outside the boundaries
of ultimate safety. Yes, I am talking about self-actualizations,
enlightenments and revelations. I am talking about
the mere process of growing intellectually, socially
and emotionally.
There is more to life of a girl than dressing
up in the latest designer outfits, being up to
date with the latest celebrity gossip or by simply
focusing strictly on getting an educational degree.
While all these things are necessary in trying
to keep a balance in one’s life, so is the
importance of understanding the self. And unfortunately
this notion is usually swept under the rug. Parents
tend to think it’s better if their daughter
does not ‘question’ life too much,
or to try to make her own mark in regards to ‘finding
out what she wants or does not want’. Because
of course, she could not possibly know what’s
good for her. Now here, you shall find me contradicting
myself. I do agree that parents know best. Simply
due to their experience in life through all the
years. And that is my point exactly. Parents know
more because they have seen life, they have lived
life and they have felt life to its depths; which
now allows them to decipher complex issues in
a predictable manner.
I would like to stress, that in the same manner
that parents know life through their experience,
so should us girls. We need to be let go of, we
need to be on our own, we need to be independent
and in the real world before we get married off
to someone older than us. We need to learn about
ourselves. We cannot be ready for life’s
most important phase (marriage) while we are still
immature and naïve in all aspects of comprehension.
Marriage is a sacred union of two individuals
who vow to the ultimate understanding of each
other. How can us, young girls, possibly enter
that pact and be responsible for another person
when we can hardly understand our own selves?
Mother-in-laws-to-be claim it’s easier to
“mold” a younger girl into the ideal
trophy perception of a daughter-in-law. My concern
with that claim is: is it really easier to make
a younger girl do what you want her to do? Maybe
it is in some instances, but unfortunately the
South Asian divorce rate among our age-group has
gone up drastically. And it is not because the
girls were too ‘headstrong’ or too
‘westernized’. Most of the time this
tragic result is directly linked to the lack of
understanding between the spouses.
I use the term ‘understanding’ to
define the mere comprehension of the two individuals
as far as the bond of marriage, with its duties
in regarded. It is a general claim that a guy
is not ready for marriage and its duties till
he is mature and is able to provide financially
for a family. So why is it that we ignore whether
a girl is mature and able to provide emotionally
for a family? If it takes a guy to reach his mid
20s to gain the level of maturity, it takes a
girl time to grasp the understanding of the world
as well. Why is it that our culture seems to blatantly
ignore this notion?
A trophy-daughter-in-law should not be defined
by her sheltered life, lack of maturity and young
age. Rather, she should be defined by her understanding
of the world, the duties of marriage, and her
responsibility as a citizen, a daughter, a wife,
a sister, a mother and a daughter-in-law.
So, future-mother-in-laws, please let us grow
up and expand our horizons in matters of the world
before you want us to take entire responsibilities
of being a trophy-wife. Have faith in our own
understanding of ourselves. And allow us time
to fully grasp the concepts of the values we have
been exposed to our entire lives, let us make
life decisions on our own before you hand us the
responsibilities of being a trophy-wife. Because
believe it or not, us girls do want to be good
wives, mothers and daughters-in-law.
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