Pakistani
Americans: A Search for the Perfect Match
By Nasim Hassan
Delaware, USA
As Pakistani Americans pass
through different phases of life, new challenges
emerge with great intensity. First generation
immigrants have made sustained efforts to secure
financial future and built Islamic centers to
preserve their religious and cultural heritage.
As the life cycle changes additional tests await
our community in North America.
An emerging social concern is finding a suitable
life partner for young people. I know many parents
with highly educated daughters who keep on looking
for a perfect match. I look around and observe
this issue particularly impacting highly educated,
talented young women with professional education.
I personally know many cases where women with
medical education are having hard time finding
a suitable spouse. People continue their search
for a perfect match till they cross over to an
age where life as a single person seems more convenient.
Reading local religious publications like Message
and Islamic Horizons gives me an indication that
parents are facing a daunting task. Looking deeper
into this malaise, I find this problem can be
easily resolved if our community changes its outlook
by adapting to local conditions. Following are
the basic dimensions of this issue.
Arranged marriages
Back home there are ties of relatives, friendships
and professional colleagues. A search within relatives
and colleagues can expand to include a large number
of people. People can start their search with
relatives and friends and can easily find a match
within the large social circle. Alternatively,
they can hire professionals within a particular
province.
In the USA, life is very busy with limited social
interaction. Friends or even relatives cannot
help beyond their small circle of friends. Unlike
back home, people here cannot devote time and
energy on this search for the sake of others.
Even close relatives sometimes live far away in
North America. Friendships take time and generally
people make a few good friends. So there is very
little choice available.
Some people go back to Pakistan and end up marrying
within relatives or friends. Based on my observations,
the divorce rate among Pakistani men and America-born
women is very high. I know many instances of such
failed marriages. However, Pakistan-born girls
seem to adjust better in changed environments.
Perhaps they are used to male chauvinistic attitudes
prevalent in the Pakistani society. The girls
born in the USA do not seem to adjust with Pakistani
born macho males. So people thinking of going
home must think about social attitudes of males
and females in Pakistan.
Social and Cultural Background
Immigrants try very hard to stick to their own
subculture. Finding a suitable match in the USA
from the same culture and similar background is
very difficult indeed. I know people who want
rich, educated, tall, fair, handsome, Sunni or
Shia, Pathan, Punjabi, or Syed matches for their
kids. People keep on rejecting possible marriage
matches for one reason or another. I have seen
people rejecting a good match for the simple reason
of being of Shia or Sunni background. In fact,
it is very difficult to retain our identity even
as a simple Muslim.
Realistic Expectations
Parents in general prefer medical doctors as a
prospective groom for their daughters. I do not
blame them for looking at long-term financial
security but simple demographic analysis does
not support this trend. If the profession is very
critical in the choice then other conditions should
be relaxed. I have not seen a very handsome, tall,
fair medical doctor from a great family. Medical
doctors in the next generation of Pakistani Americans
are limited in numbers. This condition along with
great personality, ethnic and religious background
results in completely unrealistic approach. It
often fails and young people continue to wait
for a perfect match.
Muslims from South Asia like to marry their kids
among relatives and people who are from similar
ethnic and religious backgrounds. This is not
an easy task in North America due to limited population
scattered across the USA and Canada.
In North America, the total population of Pakistani
immigrants is about a quarter million (US census
2000). Majority is living in major metropolitan
areas like Los Angles, Houston, Chicago, Washington
DC and New York. The distances are great and there
is very little interaction between people living
in New York and Houston or Los Angles. So if we
place a large number of preconditions then it
becomes very difficult to find a good spouse.
In my opinion, parents have to broaden their horizon
and include people from other Muslim countries
living in the USA. They also have to relax conditions
and consider Muslims from other sects within Islam.
Social Interaction
Majority of Pakistani Americans in the USA do
not allow young people to meet or interact with
the opposite sex. In co-ed schools, our kids have
complete freedom to talk to any boy or girl without
restrictions. As soon as they come home we adhere
to the separation of sexes. Girls are allowed
to meet girls and boys can only make friends with
boys.
In Islamic centers, the restrictions go beyond
any rational boundaries. This causes a great confusion
in the minds of young people and results in a
complete vacuum where young people do not understand
anything about one another. The result is an increase
in inter-racial marriages among low-income people.
The lack of any understanding among the next generation
of Pakistani Americans is resulting in divorce
rates similar to American people. There may be
many other issues but lack of any understanding
is one of the main reasons.
I am not advocating free mixing of boys and girls
like the common American social scene. I believe
we should provide a forum where young people can
see each other under supervision. Islamic centers,
community organizations can easily provide such
forums that do not violate any religious injunctions.
Marriage Services
The Islamic organizations such as ICNA and ISNA
are trying very hard to link up a prospective
relationship. They do so on voluntary basis that
simply cannot succeed over a wide area. The search
requires good communication, feedback and checking
that volunteers simply cannot conduct due to time
constraints. The people who are volunteers have
many other demands of life. For them it is perhaps
a last priority or a hobby. This is a demanding
work that requires constant communication and
discussion.
Pakistani Americans have a limited number of good
professional marriage services. Many Pakistanis
are very apprehensive in contacting such people.
If a marriage fails then horror stories go around.
My observation shows that these people are doing
a great job in providing honest information and
good service. Checking and evaluation is not a
part of their job. They provide the information
received from both parties and do not have resources
to verify or check the claims.
Meeting the people, checking the information and
background must be done by the people themselves.
There is a very good possibility that one out
of ten matches suggested by the matrimonial service
meets personal criteria. People should take time
for checking and face-to-face meetings and making
their own decision.
Brave New World
Although I have seen very religious people finding
suitable matches in the USA, it is becoming increasingly
difficult for compatible relationship. I have
seen very religious people marrying their girls
to the so- called liberal Muslims due to financial
resources of the groom. But such marriages end
up in agony for the religious girls.
Contrary to the thinking of conservative religious
people, a large number of young people communicate
on the Internet. Some young people meet freely
on the college campuses. However they are always
concerned about the wishes of their parents. Young
people have no idea about Islamic sects, provincial
background, ethnicity or caste that Pakistanis
have back home. We have to provide guidance in
such circumstances.
Conclusion
I have tried to highlight the issue based on my
personal observations. Community leaders and parents
should step out of old ideas and face the realities
of American life. They must understand that such
an important decision cannot be left to volunteers.
The volunteers should understand that this is
a noble effort that lays the foundations of family
and Almighty will give them great rewards.
I have touched the contours of this multifaceted
social issue currently impacting our community.
This is only a first step. I implore parents and
our community leaders to look into this social
crisis. Let us discuss it on a rational basis
and move towards building the institutions to
help all of us.
- nhassa@yahoo.com
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