"The
Mother of All Solutions”
By Mir Mohammad Ali
Talpur
Sindh, Pakistan
All my life I have wondered why this country
with so much potential has lagged so far behind
from even those European countries that were decimated
by WW II or Japan which was minced and milled
with A-bombs for its affront of Pearl Harbour.
This country was unscathed by any disaster of
such proportions.
Human material's quality at the top has always
been suspect here but then too laws of natural
development do take their course in spite of human
follies. Something of titanic proportions must
have been awry here to have taken us backwards
instead of forward.
The answer to my query literally fell providentially
in my lap. It had forever been in front of me
but I had been blind to it. The news that National
Assembly decides to outlaw criticism of the President
and other pillars of State, solved the mystery
for me. It was with this that it dawned on me,
that the reason for our backwardness has been
our national, but deadly and noxious, past time
of criticism.
Among our other national habits the outstanding
ones are; cowering before US, grovelling for favours
with the oil-rich Sheiks, leering at women in
streets, destroying properties here for blasphemies
committed elsewhere, occupying children's libraries
to impose demands, seeing children killed for
sake of Basant and selectively applying the 'writ
of state'.
Our habit to criticize has been the greatest obstacle
to our progress. Criticizing all and sundry just
for the heck has become a national trait. Critics
do not realize that criticism is an unnatural
process which leaves its victim psychologically
traumatized, stunted and disoriented. It curbs,
curtails and contorts his/her natural abilities
and talents; in short, it totally wrecks the person.
A person can only flourish and live up to his/her
potential when free from the vicious curse of
criticism.
Friday the 23rd of February 2007 may prove to
be a truly momentous and auspicious day in the
history of the country thanks to the passing of
the Amended Draft Rules of Procedure and Conduct
of Business 2007 by a majority vote in the last
sitting of the 39th session of National Assembly.
These new rules prohibit criticism of the president,
army, judiciary and judges.
The Speaker said under the Constitution, no one
could criticize the president, army, judiciary
and judges, adding that rules couldn't be made
against the Constitution. It was presented by
the master turn-coat Minister Sher Afgan Niazi.
The 'mother of all solutions' had at last been
discovered.
When the Assembly reconvenes for the new session
the honorable minister should present an amendment
to the Constitution in which Pakistan should be
declared a 'criticism free zone'. Desperate times
demand desperate measures. This blessing should
encompass the entire country to produce extraordinary
results.
The ruling Gujrat Dynasty should be able to muster
enough vote for a constitutional amendment, remember
the 17 th Amendment. The MMA will certainly oblige,
haven't they got the Jamia Hafsa mosque back?
In fact after passing the Amendment abolishing
the National Assembly and all Provincial Assemblies
would be the best move. These too are chronic
critics. This would also remove the headache of
providing perks and privileges to those who do
nothing but criticize and rubber stamp bills.
Moreover it would do away with the problem of
rigging the elections. Those at helm now could
remain there at their own pleasure because they
came uninvited, certainly unwelcome guests always
stay the longest.
With the passing of this amendment this country
should become a land of peace and bliss. Imagine
the blessings it will bring in its wake. The garbage
that passes for talk shows where the participants
lunge for each others throats, or where some defend
their viewpoint with forceful 'bazaari' language
would go off air. The impending energy crisis
would be averted with this measure alone as are
too many talk shows and too many watch them. The
sadists who derive pleasure in seeing politicians
or ministers writhe and cringe in front of the
host will however be deprived of entertainment.
They may have to switch over to the healthy outdoor
sport of bear-baiting.
The country would save precious foreign exchange
on paper because the newspapers would neither
have editorials nor the op-ed pages which are
dedicated to criticism of the sacrosanct. The
newspapers could well be printed on two sheets
if criticism is rid from its pages. Although this
may create a crisis of unemployment as the newspapers
thrive on criticism. These unemployed could be
gainfully employed at the arenas of bear-baiting.
Filing petitions in courts for missing persons
tantamount to the criticism of the Army so they
will naturally be disallowed. As the buck stops
at the teak desk of President so filing petitions
against spurious and sordid deals like sale of
Steel Mills or Gwadar land also amounts to his
criticism. Because the country is in fact run
by the President and the Army and any challenge
to their actions amounts to criticizing them.
The best thing would be to do away with judiciary
and this way too a lot of money will be saved.
The crime graph would plummet dramatically because
the police, safe from all criticism which hinders
its performance, could go all out against those
criminals who refuse to share the booty with it.
There will be an unpleasant aspect of unreported,
because reporting this would be criticism, surge
in extra-judicial killings and the amassing of
ill-gotten wealth by police. These should be considered
a minor irritant if the nuisance of criticism
is to be done away with and good of country is
at heart.
There will be very smooth working of all the departments
of the federal, provincial and local governments
once the irritant of criticism is removed. There
won't be the assemblies to check them, there will
no Public Accounts Committees to drag them over
coals, no judiciary to reverse the deals. They
will be able to use all their ingenuity and talents
to serve the criticism-free country to the best
of their ability. That they will be unhindered
in their opaque dealings should be considered
a minor nuisance. We should be magnanimous for
they will be running the country as they deem
best and we should be thankful for little mercies.
The country will progress rapidly after becoming
a criticism- free zone and soon outstrip the Asian
Tigers because all the vast potential of the bureaucracy,
Army and the Presidency will come into play for
the first time in our history. I can already feel
the warmth of our over-heated economy.
There will certainly be a few glitches and snags
but then there is hardly a law or convention that
is free of them. The snags will occur when the
holy brigade wants to criticize their counterparts
in the other sects. This they consider as a God-given
right and will not give it up without a fight,
amendment or no amendment. They need to go for
someone's throat to keep healthy and fit, without
their favorite past time they would go into a
mental stupor. The women danda brigade could occupy
Kahuta to forcefully present their viewpoint.
A major problem would surface when the almighty
Americans, because of their strategic interests
in our very immediate neighborhood, come visiting
the criticism-free land. They have never been
thankful let alone appreciative of the enthusiastic
and eager services received gratis, which include
the U-2 bases, the 1st Afghan War, the 2nd Afghan
War and the present air bases. They are like guests
who derive pleasure in insulting the host to their
heart's content and to add insult to injury praise
the opponents. Now who is going to tell Condi
that she is violating our virgin, sacrosanct constitution
by criticizing us for not doing enough to control
the Taliban? This will be a hard nut to crack.
But anyway Mr. Speaker, Sir, kindly pass the bill
for this ban at the earliest!
For he, that once hath missed the right way.
The further he doth go, the further he doth stray.
