Thoughts on Mother’s Day
By Siraj Khan
Boston

It was the doctor on the phone

Who asked me to see him soon

When we met he said “You should know

that she is ready to go”.

She is not responding to any medication

And  Dysphagia too - cannot eat or drink

So I now know that “She is ready to go”

Really means something else. She’s dying.

Just comfort medicine from now on

Only now do I realize

How much we put aside

To expect the unexpected

And brace ourselves, to watch her die

And barely five days later, she was gone

Taking her last breath, holding my hand.

I know for sure she never realized

Though sick, that she's going to die

I saw her always at peace and comfort

Strong and ever so hopeful,

She even tried to smile in pain

Talked of getting better again

Asked for the chai to be made by me

Things around her she could always see

I can see the picture of Noah at birth

The great-grandson she loved so much

The beads bracelet that she had made

Her unfinished packet of Tic Tac mints

Her things at home in her room

Which continue to tear at my heart

The thought of her gone forever

Still seems unreal, I should be braver.

The tears refuse to come

They aren’t free to drop and flow

They remain silent and trapped

They have grown accustomed

To not showing themselves

For even as a child

She had taught me not to cry

Tears if any, could only be dry

If death is like a wound

Then healing is a scar

A scar which may fade but never to go

Fond memories, I use you as my balm.

 

I didn’t mind the winter this year

I actually loved the cold and snow

What a comfort did the cold chill bring

Hardly missed the late arrival of spring

Did not notice the daffodils outside

Or the sounds of the birds sing

The squirrels may be running playfully

But it feels that the seasons of my life

May have changed forever.

 

So God, here I am after all this time

I do hope that you will never mind

I am now convinced for sure

That she is happier there with you

That her leaving was for her best

But for me despite months is still a test

And that’s why I now write to you

I know it is a Sunday

And for You another busy day ahead

But do spare her for an earthly minute

Or even a few seconds would do

She need not even speak to me

But in some way I do want to wish her

A Happy Mother’s Day

This is my first one ever without her

But I know that I will have to go back

Clinging again to those fond memories

Hey wait, my son, you are strong

Remember what I had taught you

You are never to shed any tears.

 

Of this I am sure

That a part of me

Has gone with her

Oh God, please do let me say just this

There are many with You, I am aware

But please, she too needs your care

As it was You, who wanted her there.