Domestic Violence: A Crime and a Sin
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ {الروم 21)
And among His signs is this that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquility, and He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect. (Al-Rum 30:21)
Spousal relationship is a divine gift. Spouses are made to provide peace and tranquility to each other. Spousal relationship must be based on love and compassion. Violence has no place in spousal relations. If there are differences they should be resolved through discussion and patience. When the problems persist couples should seek help of their family, elders, counselors etc. Violence creates alienation and serious problems; it does not solve anything. It is so unfortunate that in our modern society domestic violence and especially spousal violence are growing. One would expect that people with more education would become more cultured and civilized, but unfortunately much of modern culture is robbing people of patience, human care and kindness. Violence is becoming a norm rather than exception.
The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that between 1 million and 3 million women in America are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend each year. On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. Intimate partner homicides accounted for 30% of the murders of women and 5% percent of the murders of men. ( Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)
Muslims are not immune to this culture. An increasing number of Muslim families are suffering from domestic violence. A most shocking and sad news came last week that a Muslim man in Buffalo, New York was charged of beheading his wife in anger. Domestic violence is not a new thing. It happens all over the world, regardless of race, religion or culture. What is shocking in this case is that the person who is reported to have committed this act was prominent in the community and was working to promote a positive image of Islam in the media through his Bridges TV. We await the final verdict in this matter; but whatever details are being circulated in the media and in various websites are very disturbing. It appears from the details that if family and friends would have acted in time, they would have, probably, prevented this gruesome murder.
Muslims throughout the country are expressing their shock and grief. Everywhere there is a condemnation of this horrible crime and sin. But this is not enough. It should be a wake-up call for all of us in all communities. We must become very conscious of this evil that exists in the society and even in some of our homes.
First, no one should for a moment think that domestic violence is accepted in Islam. Islam abhors all violence, especially family violence. The family is an institution of love and kindness, not a place of hate and anger. Husband and wife take each other in the name of Allah and make a covenant of love to live with care and compassion towards each other. Their relationship is a trust between them and their families. Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him- said, “The best of you are those who are best to their families and I am the best of you to my family.” (Al-Tirmidhi, 4062) The spouses, parents or children who harbor hate against each other should immediately seek advice, help and proper treatment. Anger and hate should not linger too long, because they produce abuse and violence. No one should justify his /her abusive behavior, neither religiously, or culturally.
Second, if there is any domestic violence, it should be brought to the attention of the family elders, Imams and social workers. No one should feel shame or any religious inhibition in reporting violence. Shame is to commit violence, not to report violence. Violence should be confronted and corrected and the violent person should not feel that he could go on committing violence and nothing would happen. Domestic violence is a disease and it should be treated immediately and diligently.
Third, Domestic violence reports should not be ignored and belittled. It is not only young, poor or uneducated who commit domestic violence; any person can do it. Those who know should not cover up or ignore this crime. Regardless whether the person is rich or poor, leader or common person, friend or not a friend, relative or non relative, anytime we learn about this problem we should take it seriously. If it is found to be true then it should not be tolerated because of the position, reputation or relationship of that person. Justice requires that one should be impartial. The best help one can give to that person is by stopping that person from doing wrong.
Fourth, those who suffer domestic violence should be immediately helped. Women are most vulnerable to domestic violence, as the statistic show. We should have a special program to help such cases. It is very important that the community should take this matter seriously. Women sometimes complain that they patiently bear this pain and suffering because they fear that they would lose their family or would have no other place to go. Of course, every person knows best how and what decision to take and one cannot once will on others, it is still a moral and religious duty of the community to take care of such people if they ask for help and assistance.
Fifth, we should have regular programs on family harmony and peace. We should educate ourselves and others how to treat each other and how to resolve our disputes in respectable manners. We should learn anger management, stress control and on peaceful behavior in the light of the Qur’an and Sunnah and modern behavioral scinces.
We pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for the sister who was killed in domestic violence. We pray for her family and friends. May Allah give them patience to bear this loss. We pray that Allah keep us all on the right path and help us to be good to our families, to our neighbors and to all the creation of Allah. Ameen.
(Khutbah at ISOC – Safar 24, 1430/ February 20, 2009)
