January
06, 2006
Alice in the
Freeland
“Curiouser and curiouser” cried Alice
about the ‘queer’ things happening to
her and around her in the Wonderland.
If Alice was transplanted from England of the Victorian
era to modern day America what would her observant
eyes notice as odd and curious: innumerable things,
no doubt, considering the fertile imagination of
her creator, Lewis Carroll.
Even without the Carrollian imagery, she would have
instantly noticed and uttered: “My, my, what
a nice country! And, how considerate the people!
No matter which way you turn, you see something
offered FREE. This must be the Freeland!”
She couldn’t miss noticing hypes such as:-
Buy one pair of shoes and take the second pair free.
Buy one dinner and the second dinner is free -no
wonder there is widespread obesity. One perfume
bottle worth $30 is yours free with each purchase
of cosmetics of $20 only. If you can find a mattress
at a price lower than ours, we will give you ours
freefreefreefree. Free eye exam with free frames
up to $99. One cent frame sale of the century: 1c
canvas: 1c art print. Free internet connection.
Free PC. Free e-mail. So on and so forth.
America is the leader of the free world. Its constitution
guarantees emphatically the freedom of life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness. When this country
won its independence from the British, it threw
out the old society’s caste system and granted
full equality and freedom to the down-trodden to
labor and live well. Therein lies its real source
of strength, its secret to success. How about the
practice of slavery long after independence. It
was an aberration and don’t mention it to
Alice. Why disturb her reverie? Unfortunately, her
reverie was broken abruptly on 9/11 when the terrorist
attack was interpreted by President Bush as an attack
on the American concept of freedom.
While the freedom of choice and action assured to
the individual has been largely instrumental in
bringing the country to the apex of the comity of
nations, the industrious producers of goods and
services and their distributors have worked overtime
to take advantage of the very word ‘free’.
Some examples of their hypes have already been quoted
above.
A highway is called here a freeway not because it
is free of crossings and red lights but because
it is free from toll tax. The highway between Islamabad
and Lahore, whose cost/benefit ratio makes a mockery
of all economic and financial theories, is called
a motorway. It is a toll way but, according to one
estimate it would take 450 years to pay back the
cost through the toll collected; kickback was however
instant.
The 1-800 phone numbers are called toll free numbers.
The tone you hear while dialing one of these numbers
sounds like a spider’s seductive song to the
fly.
In crowded cities like Los Angeles or New York,
a signboard that reads “Free Parking Space”
is more attractive than the “Free Gift”
sign by another store in the vicinity. However,
when you drive into the underground free parking
space, you discover that a parking space is a place
where a car is already parked.
At some posh hotels the sign “Free Valet Parking”
greets you. This is a facility where you hand over
your car key to a uniformed young man to have little
dents put in the fenders.
Freeway Rush Hour: This is an oxymoron for a period
when the traffic stands still and there is no rush
whatsoever.
Free Gyms: In the first 90 days of the fee-free
period you get almost addicted to the mystique of
their facilities. Afterwards it costs you so much
that you have to starve yourself to keep up the
payments. Either way you lose weight.
Freedom of Expression: That is the privilege to
be able to go to your boss with your opinion and
leave with his.
Free Port: A neutral, stockade area where a shipper
can put down his load, catch his breath and decide
what to do next; also known as a smugglers’
haven.
Free Thinker: A person who thinks he has an open
mind when it is merely vacant.
Duty Free Shop: Where prices are usually higher
than in the city.
Free association: A method of psychological treatment
developed by Sigmund Freud in late nineteenth century
but commonly practiced now by psychiatrists in the
US. The patient is asked to “free associate”
that is he should say whatever comes into his thoughts
without regard to whether the ideas seemed to be
silly or logical, vulgar or proper. James Joyce
followed this system in literature by expressing
his thoughts without regard to the rules of punctuation,
normal sentence structure or logic. In poetry it
is called free verse.
Free Enterprise: This is the basic moving force
behind the current system of freedom in various
walks of individual and national life in the West,
particularly in the United States. It may be traced
to Adam Smith who wrote in the late 18th century
that the simple system of natural liberty should
be the foundation on which all economic behavior
should stand. He contended that each individual,
in acting independently and rationally to serve
his own self-interest, is guided by an “invisible
hand” towards maximizing the satisfaction
of the entire society. The concept served well in
the 19th century, in the form of free trade. It
provided colonial markets to the emerging industrial
states of Europe. It also promoted grueling capitalism
that in its turn spawned communism.
The advent of big businesses and corporations in
the current century has eliminated small businesses
and competition. No neighborhood grocery store can
compete successfully with a supermarket, with the
exception of the ‘halal’ meat or kosher
shops that enjoy the business of an exclusive group
of customers despite the questionable quality of
their products. At the international level, this
is known as free market economy or globalism, that
is the provision of facilities to the big fish to
swallow freely the small fish.
Big businesses being well regulated to ensure the
well being of the individual, which is regarded
as paramount in all legislatures, the essence of
the free enterprise system continues to permeate
all economic activities. It provides the greatest
feasible freedom of choice to the individual and
is therefore most efficient in maximizing what Adam
Smith called “individual satisfaction”.
Alice might not have even heard of Adam Smith. So,
we shall revert to the antics of advertising in
this country which had attracted her attention in
the very first instance.
“It is the economy, stupid” Clinton
is reported to have said while launching his Presidential
campaign. The word “economy” thus became
the buzzword in advertising joints. No wonder a
small size car came to be called an “economy-size”
vehicle. A large cereal box is also called “economy
size”.
Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy”,
obviously never had to write an advertisement. Those
who do write consider the customer to be a wallet
with a person attached to it.
Whoever said, “The customer is always right”,
was probably a customer himself. The ad writer fully
realizes that the customer may not be always right
but he is always the one with the wallet. Like they
say, a fool and his money soon part. The ad writer
has to make a fool of the customer before making
him part with it.
This being the state of affairs, Alice would soon
start carrying with her in the Freeland a grain
of salt to put on any ad that says, “It is
yours for free”.
