May
04, 2007
On Being a Senior Citizen
You have no choice in the matter: it sneaks upon
you. As you wake up on your 65th birthday, you find
yourself labeled as a “Senior Citizen”
and being deferentially addressed as “Sir”,
entitled to Social Security payments, Medicare facilities,
gratuitous discounts by several businesses, picture
houses, restaurants, and travel by city buses for
a token payment.
On the observe side is the reversal of relationship
between you and your progeny. You become dependent
on them. Your grand children, for instance, have
to sort out the glitches on your computer. Internet,
Cyber-Space, GPS, Google-Earth, may be all simple
and easily understood scientific discoveries for
your teenager grandchild but for you they are hardly
short of miracles beyond human intelligence.
An 82-year old grandfather asked his childhood friend:
“I am full of aches and pains. How do you
feel?”
“Like a new born baby…no hair, no teeth,
and I think I just wet my pants”.
That evening the couple attended a senior citizens’
meeting. When the speaker reached the climax of
his talk and declared: “The time has come
to get rid of socialism, communism and anarchism”,
the old man with aches and pains arose feebly but
shouted enthusiastically “Let us throw out
rheumatism too”.
“Granddad, were you in the Ark?” asked
a 5-year old.
“Why, no”
“ Then why weren’t you drowned?”
The same imp asked that evening, “How did
you look when you were my age with your gray hair
and all those wrinkles?”
A person who has lived to be an octogenarian, never
smoked or smoked all his life, he drank profusely
for 65 years or remained a teetotaler throughout,
was a vegetarian or relished meat dishes only. Follow
these rules carefully and you too can be an octogenarian.
What counts most, I think, is your perception apart
from what you inherit in your genes. Learn to lead
a stress-free life with a positive state of mind.
You wouldn’t need then an apple a day to keep
the doctor away. You will find company in your self,
your thoughts and pursuits. Otherwise you will be
in the words of Shakespeare, “a poor, infirm,
weak, and despised old man”, sad as twilight,
or as described by O.W. Holmes “faded like
a dream of youth”, or as put by Francis Bacon
“objecting too much, consulting too long,
adventuring too little, and repenting too soon”.
Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a
busy man has no time to form. The doctor of an octogenarian
patient asked him how he was feeling. “I am
still kicking, but I am not raising as much dust
as I used to”. Keep kicking a little harder,
the doctor advised, and you will agree with Bernard
Baruch that old age is always 15 years older than
you are.
To be up and about and keep kicking, humorist Harry
Harshfield would get up every morning at nine, grab
the morning paper and look at the obituary columns.
If his name wasn’t there, he would get up
and plunge enthusiastically into his work.
Another humorist remarked, “I found the secret
of youth; I lie about my age”.
Mullah Nasiruddin, the icon of humor in Persian
and Turkish literature, was asked how old he was.
He said, “I am fifty”. But Mullah, you
had given they same age twenty years back, he was
reminded. “ I am a man of my word: I always
stick to what I say”, he asserted.
Ask any woman about her age and nine out of ten
times she will guess wrong. No wonder nine out of
ten times, she outlives her male partner –the
only thing that ages her faster is her birth certificate.
Also, she is seldom too fussy or particular in filling
the place of her dead mate; it is better to have
an old, second hand diamond than none at all.
Among 80-year olds, there are 25% more women than
men. But who cares at that age. The billionaire
in his late 80s who married not long ago a 40-year
old beauty kicked the bucket not long after, leaving
behind litigation over his wealth and several claimants
of having fathered the child.
Another senior citizen had a somewhat valid point.
When asked whether the women he was marrying was
good looking, a good cook, or was wealthy, he said
“No, but she can still drive and I can’t
afford a driver”.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully up onto
a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No”, he replied, “Arthritis”.
Another elderly gentleman had, similarly, serious
hearing problems for a number of years. His doctor
had him fitted with a set of hearing aids. The doctor
testing his hearing a month later announced that
it was perfect. “Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again”, the doctor
remarked.
Oh, I haven’t told my family yet, I just sit
around and listen to their conversations. I’ve
changed my will three times.”
Three senior citizens were out walking. First one
said, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one said, “No it’s Thursday!”
Third one said’ “So I am, let’s
go get some cokes”
Another 83-year old sprightly gentleman was given
a physical by his doctor and a few days later, the
doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous
blonde on his arm. “You are really doing great,
aren’t you”, the doctor said.
“Just doling what you said, Doc. ‘Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
“I didn’t say that, what I said was
‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.’”
- Arifhussaini@hotmail.com, (714) 280-1902)
