The Endangered Tradition of “Entertaining”
By Faiza Zia Khan
Newport Beach, CA
As a South-Asian female raised in a Western culture I have always felt the burden of trying not losing myself in a white-washed world. Not that there is anything wrong with it but as I belong to an ethnic heritage I would like to hold on to whatever I can retain.
I have keenly observed my parents even to present day make a huge deal out of the late afternoon/early evening tea. But if you ask my children what this commotion is all about they have no idea of exactly what is going on. The “shaam kee chai” reverently held significance for a Pakistani household back in the good old days.
To talk the talk, the popular entertaining styles of today revolve around: Hi-Tea, brunch, potlucks, or catered luncheons and dinners. Basically, we are a food-centric culture. Any occasion to celebrate or mourn we congregate around food. Food brings us together in happiness and sadness with a magnetic pull. My parents lived in Chelsea, United Kingdom while I was growing up, and regionally tea was the main beverage of choice (as opposed to coffee in North America). Imagine growing up in London, England with South-Asian parents where family values, graciously entertaining guests, and making sure everyone is appropriately and adequately fed is the name of the game. Any guests expected for a visit - arrange for tea, anyone randomly arrives – arrange for tea, and anyone is leaving - you got it arrange for tea.
Individuals familiar with the Pakistani/South-Asian culture know that tea is not merely a tea bag dunked in a cup of hot water. Tea is synonymous with layers of food served with it. Depending on who is entertaining you it could be in excess of a full meal with several courses. I vividly remember my mother deciding on whether she would be inviting guests over for a full meal (like lunch/dinner) or keep it casual (like tea). Regardless of what name she gave it I knew instinctively there would be at least entrée style dishes of 10-12 menu items. The number of guests never mattered. It could be a party of two or twenty. If you ever encountered the matriarchs of the household from this generation (like my mother) and dared to ask the question: what will be the difference if the invite is for breakfast, lunch, tea, or dinner as you will be preparing 10-12 items anyway? You will probably hear gasps of surprise and perhaps disappointment that you have failed their ultimate test of refined upbringing.
I was groomed into the etiquette’s and mannerisms of a proper female with familial values rich in tradition, just like any of us were, by our devoted mothers. For the purposes of this article I will refer to it as the “Conventional Style” of entertaining where a party at home included preparation of sumptuous cuisine, laying out of the best porcelain dinnerware, silverware, and table linens. Centerpieces were thoughtfully chosen to go with the theme of the event. Fresh flowers in Waterford Crystal vases arrived hours before the event. Candles were lit for fragrance and ambience. It all seemed so normal.
As I stepped into adulthood I saw that entertaining guests, having house parties, and dinners became a dying art. In all honesty no one had the time or energy to compose a work of art close to what I describe above. Living arrangements became restricted to apartments and condos due to sky-high prices of real estate. Presently, there isn’t enough room or time to organize a gathering of this magnitude.
Everyone in the household is busy with either school or work. Understandably so! Entertaining over the years has become more of a social activity where going out to eat should not burden anyone economically or financially. The tradition of chai with samosas, chicken patties, and cake became non-existent. Everyone in the household coming back from school or work reconvened around chai to regale the clan with tales of their day. The chai scene evolved into Hi-Tea and nashta became brunch. Nowadays, from fine dining to a casual coffee hang the entertaining part is more about planning and picking a spot with five-star rating on “Yelp”, looking at the reviews, the menu, and the photos before coming together on a common consensus for a place to go to. If I myself did not strive to have gatherings a la my mother’s style my children would only know entertaining of guests to be at a restaurant or a public place.
Entertaining has expanded to include activities such as going out to the movie theatres, bowling, painting classes, culinary lessons, and the such depending on how eclectic or refined your taste and budget is. Everyone pays for themselves so no one is on the hook financially. A Venmo transaction will take care of it all. I myself am a huge advocate of moving out of the whole conventional style of entertaining and towards a more independent style of entertaining. Let’s all go out.
Another trend is that if the house party exceeds an acceptable number of guests, catering has become the norm. I like having the option of catering just in case, as not everyone can handle large amounts of food cooked on conventional ovens in our spaces. The boom of business for catering from restaurants, small business owners and even homemakers (who cook and cater) has reached new levels and changed the face of entertaining. With a revamped and rejuvenated independent style the conventional style of entertaining seems to have faded in the background.
It all seems rosy on the surface but with this outgoing, “outdoorsy” style of entertaining we have excluded a very crucial demographic of our households. Our elders and seniors. The grandma, grandpa or older generation neither favors, nor willingly participates, whenever there is a family Dutch-style gathering (where everyone pays for themselves). A general opinion is that they will accompany the family members as they want to be around the children and or grandchildren, but are reluctant with the setup. With the family values it is considered rude to ask everyone to pay for themselves. If you ask any senior member of your own household, they prefer guests and visitation would rather be over a simple “chai kee piyali” (cup of tea) rather than going to a fancy restaurant. One of my dear aunties always complains when I meet her in a restaurant setting that she never gets enough time to have a comfortable conversation with any of the attendees as she gets stuck in a corner seat. By the time she navigates her way around after dinner is served she has to hurry out as it is time for the restaurant to close. She fondly says for her it is more about the company than the food, the atmosphere, or the cool location. I could not agree with her more. For myself personally I have maintained a hybrid style of entertaining. It seems to be going smoothly with my social circles thus far. When I invite my friends with their parents, in-laws or senior members in the family I make it an intimate affair in my house with home-cooked meals. I know the seniors appreciate my humble cooking more than an invite to a fancy restaurant. I get complimented on my efforts to make them feel at home where they not rushed out due to time limitations. However, when I have to hang out with friends and their children the options are limitless.
As I end my article here today I pose a question: Am I right or wrong to hold onto this hybrid style of entertaining that brings both generations together? Let me know your thoughts.
((Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets including Global National and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
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