The Standard of Double Standards
By Faiza Zia Khan
Newport Beach, CA
Exactly what does it mean to have double standards? I have had this conversation on repeat with many people in my adult life. Typically, when I take upon the task of writing a piece as a journalist I follow the conventional route of researching a topic.
As I ventured out to writing about double standards, I ended up running into a cul-de-sac. Please note that I did not mention a “dead-end” but a “cul-de-sac!” A cul-de-sac because all dialogue I read was going around in circles with no concrete solution or substantial evidence that made me understand whether double standards are positive or negative. Hence, as the author of this article I decided to take charge to provide my readers with a perspective on how I see double standards applied in our society today.
At a bare minimum, double standards can literally be translated to what it means: any behavior that is applied in a different manner from one individual/group to another. A simple example is that if I were to say that I will color my hair a bright shade of blue I should also let my daughter do the same without any reservations. In reality, this is not how things are. We mostly never see another person in the same light as we see our own selves. There is nothing wrong with this. It is just human nature and the way psychology works. If we were put on trial, we will ALL be guilty of having double standards.
In our society scrutiny is mostly on optics and appearances. We judge people superficially based on how they dress, what car they drive, where they live, what phone/handbag they carry… the list goes on. We don’t make an effort to find out to connect with a person on a deeper level to look beyond their physical semblance.
Perhaps they don’t look good enough to be featured on the cover of “GQ” or “Elle” magazines, but they might have some cool attributes such as interesting hobbies, travel to exotic locations, or life experiences that could potentially make for good company. I know many people in our South-Asian community constantly commenting on the clothes and shoes worn by others in the friend circle. There is a stigma attached to a female who will repeat her clothes at social events.
If the Duchess of Cambridge (Kate Middleton) and the Duchess of Sussex (Meghan Markle) recycle their attire we don’t have much room left to shame someone who repeats their Pakistani suits. Let’s be honest it is rare to find retail stores for good quality Pakistani suits here in the United States. Friends - those of you lucky to have nice relatives in Pakistan who perform arduous tasks of going to the clothing stores to buy unstitched fabric, and then to the tailors to get beautiful custom fitted suits stitched – I say you have won a lifetime lottery. But for a person like me who has zero access to anything like that but to rely on alternate sources we take a chance with ordering shalwar kameez via online websites, go to local ladies brave enough to entrepreneur a Pakistani clothing business, or approach a handful of stores that may or may not have Pakistani clothes of our liking.
Further, there are some ridiculous double standards related to gender. In general, our community expects more from women than men. It almost feels like women are subject to a harsher judgement as compared to men. Women of today face unrelenting pressures professionally or otherwise due to lack of forgiveness towards womankind. A woman is judged if she wears Western clothes at a Pakistani gathering. She may be more modestly covered than the ladies wearing shalwar kameez at a dinner party, but will be judged limitlessly as she opted to wear a long skirt with a full sleeved blouse and a scarf around her neck instead of the traditional dupatta and kameez. Similarly, when species of the male variety talk to females they are sociable but when a female talks to a man - they are said to be flirting. I have heard a lot of females complain that a certain friend in a group always talks to my husband. And my husband always says that bhabi makes excellent food. What is wrong with my cooking? I laugh silently when I hear insecure comments like these from Pakistani ladies. Please note that these are women of merit who have been married for decades, have grownup children, and have stable relationships with their spouses. I, for some reason feel like a bad guy defending this situation.
Whenever my friends complain about other friends talking to their husbands I fight this accusation tooth and nail to say it totally okay for them to talk to each other. I tell them these facts: Your family has been socializing with their family for years, you hang out together on most occasions, celebrations, and weekend dinners so if your husband and another lady is having a very public, very audible conversation about random topics please do not take it in a negative way. It is more a polite gesture where after exchanging pleasantries they don’t want to awkwardly rush off in opposite directions - so they have a short conversation before going their own ways. However, I have yet to discover certain friends have understood the concept behind this.
What if double standards were actually good for us? How could we use double standards to work positively? We can follow some basic rules to have double standards reinforced pragmatically. The best way is to demonstrate tolerance to accept them just the way they are. No one changes so don’t expect them to. You would not either, so why the expectation that the other person will. Double standards could potentially be used for the greater good if we created a situation which was better than our own for the other person. A relatable example would be if I saw someone doing something or wearing something better than I am. I will praise them publically and not talk behind their back to say, “Oh, she is such a show-off” or, “look at her who does she think she is. What is she trying to prove?” Nothing really as the other person is just being who they are exercising their freedom to do as they please.
(Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets including Global National and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
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