Tales of Bullies and the Bullied - Part 1
By Faiza Khan
Newport Beach, CA
Is your child a bully or is he/she being bullied? There is no simple answer to this question. Primarily, there are six types of bullying we need to know about. Sadly, they transcend age, ethnicity, or gender. Physical, verbal, relational, prejudicial, sexual and cyber bullying are the most commonly experienced types of bullying. In this two-part article I will touch upon these with a focus on our very own South-Asian community living in America.
In my opinion, it is very easy to be judgmental towards others but as a social experiment just turn the mirror around and reflect upon yourself - Am I a bully or am I being bullied? The easiest place to start while attempting to figure out a solution to a problem is to scrutinize your own self. Put yourself in those shoes that need to be worn by the other person. Just make a mental list of your everyday interactions with people around you and you will know exactly where you stand. Researchers spent years studying the causes of bullying and how to eradicate this problem. There is no anecdote or vaccine formulated to get rid of this systemic issue. It is an established fact that bullying is a mental health illness and needs to be treated as such.
This article is by no means an annotated bibliography listing statistics and research to prove bullying is a mental health issue. At this point it is pertinent to provide some statistical evidence to back up my claims here. According to the National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics, between one and three students in the United States have been reported as being bullied at school. My approach is to attempt to identify how bullying is perceived amongst South-Asian Americans.
Are we able to figure out the difference between acting like a bully or being bullied? Social contact with anyone in our circumference (including our own family members) to the barista who hands us our coffee in the coffee-shop can be bullied or bully us. Bullying can happen anywhere at any time. Whether it is intentional and directed or innocent and a mistake is a debatable topic.
We are perceived as a predominantly patriarchal society and the existence of an alpha male figure in our households is considered normal. Physical bullying can start from home where a child is chastised by a slap inflicted upon their body. Corporal punishment has been touted as the most effective form of discipline for centuries and this notion is still prevalent despite the hue and cry raised against it. The good news is that physical abuse is the easiest to spot. The challenge, however, is to find out how much bullying has already transpired behind the scenes which was hidden and invisible before it became physical.
Usually both the bully and bullied are excellent at keeping the bullying secret. Some power is held over the bullied to not oust the bully. There was a stereotypical idea circulating a few years ago that the physical appearance of bullies (overpowering, brawny, and strong) allowed them to get away with physically harming the others. In this day and age, a bully does not have to be a hefty Hulk Hogan to bully anyone. Use of brute force, firearms, weapons, even random household items are commonly used for physical bullying. Rather anything that can be used to threaten others to succumb to their machinations is considered bullying. Fatalities caused by physical bullying circulating on the nightly news leave me aghast. Scattered whispers in our circles of someone getting affected by this kind of bullying are often heard.
Along the same lines there is verbal bullying that can be loosely defined as when an individual uses verbal language such as insults, teasing, language, etc. to gain power over others. Numerous examples of verbal bullying are heard. Unlike physical bullying, verbal bullying is harder to see and prevent. It tends to occur when left unmonitored or figures of authority (if any) are not around to keep a check on it. Hence, the effects of this type of bullying are not immediately obvious. Calling a less athletically endowed person a nerd or wimp sounds apparently innocent, but the laughter that follows it causes irreparable emotional damage to the person being subjected to it.
Words have more impact than physical contact. While the effects of physical bullying may be more apparent from the onset, verbal bullying is more insidious. Over long periods of time it works to destroy a person’s prestige, ego, image and self-esteem. Verbal bullying is known to be a significant cause of depression, anxiety and personality disorders. Extremities and prolonged exposure to verbal abuse lead to detrimental damage and suicidal thoughts. Recurrent examples of verbal bullying are teenagers intimidating peers into forced compliance or spouses threatening each other which seemingly does not have cause and effect but is a hazard to the mental and emotional wellbeing of a human. I have observed the most common folly committed by South-Asian Americans is to verbally bully each other in front of friends and family. Swung aside as jokes, critiquing each other, and dragging out the other’s dirty laundry in a public setting is still a form of bullying. Having an audience to witness misery makes bullying worse - not funny.
I know of several individuals in our own circles who were continuously called out for being “ordinary” (in terms of physical appearance) or “dark” due to the olive hue of their complexion. Mother Nature endowed them with their facial features and there is not much they can do about changing their looks unless they take extreme measures along the lines of the Kardashians and get their appearance altered artificially. Besides I feel calling someone names based on their appearance is already pointing out the obvious to them and reflects poorly on the bully. Since the bullies defy all rationale and reasons there isn’t a lot that can be done to convey this point to them. (Will be continued next week).
(Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets including Global National and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
