From Financial Infidelity to Keeping Money Secrets in Relationships
By Faiza Zia Khan
Newport Beach, CA
Are you cheating on your partner? Most people in a steady relationship would balk at this question. Surprisingly, according to research 53% of Americans commit infidelity with their partners, but only 27% confess to it. The complexity of modern relationships holds many caveats but infidelity tops the list globally.
If my dear readers are confused by the seemingly low numbers above, I am addressing an entirely different form of infidelity here. I should set the record straight in case you are still in a conundrum what this article is all about. You guessed it right! The statistics above are not about marital infidelity which is most obvious kind in relationships. These percentages represent financial infidelity between partners with joint finances.
A recent survey divulged millennials are nearly twice more likely to hide money or accounts from partners than generations before them. What is financial infidelity? Do people really commit financial infidelity in relationships? The simple answer is, “Yes, they do,” but not many are consciously aware that they are doing so. “Never heard that one before,” one of my friends innocently chimed in when we were on this subject in a group conversation. Her comment prompted me to pick my laptop and address the elephant in the room.
Financial Infidelity is defined as…. but once I take this definition out of the box and apply it to our own South-Asian community there are more variables that are at play. Every couple/household might differ in how they define financial infidelity as finances are unique to every individual and their own personal situation. South Asians pride themselves in keeping our cultural values alive. Financially gender roles are very specifically defined in a typical household. Present day mostly the dominant financial head is the male figure (father, husband, brother, or son) depending on the composition of the family.
As a participant interactive exercise I want you all my readers to imagine a South-Asian patriarchal, wealthy, highly educated household living in the United States. This household is astute with money and well-endowed with academic prowess, thus typically this setup eliminates any chances of running into financial pitfalls. However, the reality is not as sweet. In our community generally even seemingly financially stable households such as the one I describe above struggle with financial infidelity. It stems largely due to “Keeping up with the Khans” kind of syndrome. We all want the big house, the flashy cars, the designer handbags, and the luxury vacations mainly to keep up with our friends and family. These big ticket items come with big financial pressures.
I do not think majority of people (both male and female) involved in financial infidelity cook up a warped conscious scheme to keep money secrets from their partners. It all starts with that one secret credit card that you open in your own name for emergency purposes and decide not to tell your partner about it. It snowballs from there sadly. Now as that credit card is secret, if ever used the payment for that particular card cannot be made from the joint account as your partner will notice a random payment going to a credit card that he/she has no knowledge about. Sequentially follows the secret separate bank account to make a payment on the secret credit card. And then the splitting of the direct deposit of your paycheck to go into that secret account where you vow to just put only half of this month’s bonus in only and never repeat this exercise. But then you forget to remove that splitting percentage on your HR website and the bonus payment keeps coming into the secret bank account. In all honesty you initially forget to mention it to your partner and to keep the calm you decide to stay quiet about it. Basically this is how it all starts. Once you have created this secret system where your partner cannot see the change in financial patterns due to the absence of money in joint holdings the practice becomes habitual.
Easier access to technology has made financial infidelity effortless to conceal. You can sign up for the account, credit cards or lines of credit online through your smart phone app 24/7. It is painless to sign up for paperless statements, manage all your spending without anyone ever knowing about this or anything ever showing up in the mail. Since there is no accountability the chances of getting exposed are slim. At least in the initial phases. When interviewed by credit restructuring companies most husbands repeated the age old mantra of “happy wife, happy life”. They were trying to please/surprise their partners and fulfil their wishes or complete a bucket list item for them. A vast number of them admitted to not remembering when they jumped on the hamster wheel, but sure knew when they were caught in it! They agreed they got into a downward spiral to lose sight of their combined financial goals. The situation started taking a toll on their mental, physical, and financial wellbeing.
The worst of this cycle comes when financial infidelity comes to limelight. The discovery is accidental ordinarily when a joint financial decision is being made, and the credit history is pulled at a financial institution in front of both the partners. That’s when the hidden debt, accounts, and other credit facilities are laid out in the open. The implications of this awareness is far more terrifying as the other partner is completely in the dark about this debt. Once stumbled upon the debt becomes a liability for both as it has to be repaid from somewhere. The inability to communicate and justify something of this magnitude becomes a challenge in itself. Especially when bills become overdue each passing month and money has to be paid from a joint account to cover for a mess that was created individually by one partner alone.
Typical cases of such liabilities often involve hiding compulsive shopping or gambling debts. In others, a spouse might siphon off cash from the family's funds for a secret purpose, like having an illicit affair or covering up a substance abuse addiction which could be as small as smoking or alcoholism to opioids. Either way, when the deception is exposed, it often evokes feelings of betrayal and loss of trust that could become a prelude to larger messes that eventually lead to the dissolution of a stable relationship.
This space is not even close to relaying the impact of how financial infidelity can affect households. My message to those still hiding in the shadows, “Please come forward with your financial indiscretions - the sooner, the better for everyone.
(Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets including Global National and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
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