Creating a Culture of Kindness
By Miriam Mohamed
Chicago, IL

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

Parents of children of all ages have seen this widely shared quote on school sites, in classrooms, on t-shirts, and even on school supplies. Kindness is a virtue that is a human being’s natural moral compass or  fitrah. Kindness should be an essential part of our conduct in daily life as Muslims. Furthermore, as Muslim parents, we not only want to encourage children to be kind but foster this essential core value to be a part of our children’s character.

Fostering kindness in kids takes more than just telling them to be kind. Children must understand what kindness really means and they need to know how to be kind. And that begs the question - can kindness be taught, and if so, how do we teach it?

Kindness Begins at Home

The best thing parents can do is to create a culture of kindness in their own homes. Cultivating compassion in your family is entirely doable. Just focus on the considerate habits of daily life, a few concrete actions, and a little reflection thrown in for good measure. Model kindness to yourself, your spouse, your children, parents, extended family members, and even neighbors.

1. Be kind to yourself.

Parents almost always teach their kids to be kind. They encourage them to say please and thank you, share their toys, and be a   good friend, but self-kindness is often left unsaid. One of the most important things kids should know about kindness is that you must be kind to yourself.  Being kind to yourself is a critically important habit to teach children. Here are several tips to pass along:

• Encourage them to talk kindly to themselves.  “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” This is a wonderful mantra to teach a child. Kids know that words are powerful, that if they say something mean to someone it hurts them, and if they say something encouraging it can make someone feel good. They need to see how this also applies to themselves.
• Show them how to feel good about who they are.  Positive affirmations have been proven to work – reducing both stress and worry and reshaping our minds to be more positive.
• Teach them to self-nurture.  Help them to see that they need nurturing, too, in order to be their best selves. Discuss what this looks like, and include fresh air, rest, relaxation, healthy food, and exercise.
• Guide them in developing self-kindness habits.   Kids (just like adults) need to take care of themselves first, as being fueled up with self-love makes it easier to handle life’s challenges.

2. Proactively practice kindness.

Model kindness everywhere you go. When we are out and about in the community always remember that small random acts of kindness can go a long way. From a smile, to holding the door open these actions are witnessed by our children.

3. Show Gratitude and Appreciation. 

When we show gratitude toward Allah and His many blessings and appreciation toward those who are kind or helpful to us our children notice. Talk about what you are grateful for and why. This promotes a positive thinking atmosphere which then encourages kindness to spread.

4. Understand what kindness means.

In a recent research article published by the Journal of Happiness Studies, participants were asked to define kindness and answers varied between compassion, generosity, empathy, justice, and alleviating suffering. But every answer involved an underlying consideration for others, rather than acting only out of self-interest. It makes sense that this is also the definition of humane because kindness is the most fundamental expression of what it means to be a human being. For those with young children, point out acts of kindness and break empathy down for them.

5. Kindness is not limited to people.

Kindness is not limited to humans. We can practice kindness toward animals, insects, the earth, and even objects such as toys, our family car, and our home.

6. Connect kindness to Islamic guidance.

Many times, parents use the religion to discipline their children by instilling a fear of Allah. On the contrary, there are many ways to focus on Allah’s mercy and love. Islam teaches kindness toward everything. Share the following stories from the Qur’an and the life of our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him.

Several verses in the Qur’an come to mind.

“Verily, Allah is kind and merciful to the people.” 

(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:143)

“Woe to those who pray, who are heedless of their prayer, who pray to be seen and withhold small acts of kindness.”    

(Surah Al-Ma’un, 107:4-7)

“There has certainly come to you a Messenger from among yourselves. Grievous to him is what you suffer, for he is concerned over you and to the believers he is kind and merciful.” 

(Surah At-Tawbah, 9:128)

The Seerah of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, also contains many references to kindness. The Prophet said: 

“Every act of kindness is charity.” 

(Sahih Bukhari)

“None of you believes (completely) until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” (Sahih Bukhari)

“Whoever relieves a believer’s distress of the distressful aspects of this world, Allah will rescue him from a difficulty of the difficulties of the Hereafter. Whoever alleviates [the situation of] one in dire straits who cannot repay his debt, Allah will alleviate his lot in both this world and in the Hereafter. Whoever conceals [the faults of] a Muslim, Allah will conceal [his faults] in this life and the Hereafter. 

(Sahih Muslim)

“A man suffered from thirst while he was walking on a journey. When he found a well, he climbed down into it and drank from it. Then he came out and saw a dog lolling its tongue from thirst and licking the ground. The man said: This dog has suffered thirst just as I have suffered from it. He climbed down into the well, filled his shoe with water, and caught it in his mouth as he climbed up. Then he gave the dog a drink. Allah appreciated this deed, so He forgave him.” They said, “O Messenger of Allah, is there a reward for charity even for the animals?” The Prophet said, “Yes, in every creature with a moist liver is a reward for charity.” 

(Sahih Bukhari)

The above are just a few of many examples from our merciful religion of why kindness is a core character we must have and teach.

We all learn from one another but children particularly watch everything we do. This gives us an opportunity to teach kindness by modeling it every day. Keep in mind that if empathy is understanding, then compassion is acting on that understanding. Data shows that children who feel they are kind or who have practiced kindness or know the value tend to do better at school, tend to feel better about themselves, tend to be less of a bully, and feel like they are bullied less.

We want our communities to espouse virtues and values that encourage children to exhibit kindness because being kind to others is intrinsically fulfilling.  Let us  commit to raising the next generation of truly good Muslims who treat every living thing with kindness, empathy and compassion. We all hope to leave behind a better and kinder world.

(Miriam Mohamed is a mother to seven children and a granny to two cats!  She loves trying new things and learning cool facts. She has taught in an Islamic school setting, has experience assisting children with special needs, and enjoys volunteering and being a part of the community. Miriam lives in Chicago with her beautiful flowering cherry tree and big family).

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