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Navigating the Culture of “Rishtas” and Weddings
By Faiza Zia Khan
Newport Beach, CA
Weddings are an important rite of passage in any habitat. It could be a lavish affair lasting several days or just obtaining a marriage license - it is all considered a part of the getting married process.
As a teenage girl I remember my grandmother proudly showing off gold jewelry that had been handed down generations from her grandmother to her mother and then to my mother and potentially to me on my wedding - when I get married! Looking back I smile at the way my grandmother very successfully smoothed over and incentivized the whole idea of marriage in my rebellious teenaged brain - Want heirloom jewelry - Get married!
Weddings, brides, grooms, rings, flowers are part of a universal language that we are all socialized into. Weddings transcend geographical, political, or economic boundaries. Everyone understands weddings, puzzle solved. South-Asian weddings in general have a reputation of putting on a display of affluence, power, connections, and influence in the community. No matter what we say or do festive weddings are a part of our heritage. Although it may not be true for everyone with our cultural group the popular trend is to have some festivities to celebrate the union of the betrothed
.Personally, I have attended weddings from varying religious practices and cultures but have found Pakistani/ Indian weddings to surpass all levels of extravagance and indulgence. It is not uncommon that the celebrations span over several days filled with music, dancing, food, and colorful attire. The bride and the groom’s families leave no expense spared towards the event and ensure hospitality is extended to the fullest towards their guests.
I recently returned from an out-of-town family wedding encompassing over a few days. I participated in the tail-end of the festivities as I could not spare several days due to obligations and responsibilities, yet I fully experienced the euphoria and the excitement attached to a wedding in our culture. The bride looked ravishing and the groom was smiling from ear-to-ear. I found out through the family grapevine that this match was made possible by the relentless efforts of a “rishtay walee auntie”. These “rishtay walee aunties” predominantly are senior housewives who make a lucrative career out of providing match-making services to the local community.
Two decades ago, weddings used to be a hot spot for potential match-making. Rishtay walee aunties kept a close eye on the blossoming young ladies and young men in the family and friend circles with the hopes of finding suitable mates. Weddings gave them a free pass to interview these targets in person, figure out their personality traits and find commonalities to make introductions. Rishtaay walee aunties fiercely navigated the social scene with their treasured diary they had held close to them circa 1979. When prodded on why they still keep the diary from 1979 they responded it was hard to update it to the current year as it had the phone numbers since the time they had just started their services. This diary was the golden key to all the single, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the community.
During late eighties and early nineties these rishtay walee aunties had serious influence over the mothers of young men and women who were out there seeking potential matches for their brood. I remember my friend came over to my house one evening and broke down in tears that she will not be around much longer. I almost had a massive cardiac thinking she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Sobbing uncontrollably, she informed me that her mother had given her photo and biodata (this was the term used by rishtay walee aunties for personal details) to find a suitable boy for her. Laugh all you want now, but it was an epic event for us then in unassumingly innocent times.
These rishtay walee aunties have now evolved into interactive websites asking for the most intimate details of your life fed into a data base and run by algorithms that promise to find you your “happily ever after”. It is ironic we feel safe in filling out an electronic profile but find a rishtay walee auntie’s most basic questions intrusive and nosy.
Surprisingly, the rishtay walee aunties gained notoriety with the advent of the digital age. I thought in this era of “Artificial Intelligence” (AI) where the vibe is all about taking control, finding independence, being your own person, and having limitless freedom of choice the rishtay walee aunties have finally morphed into websites. Lo and behold, I discovered that in our communities rishtay walee aunties still prevail. Not only were they in popular demand, but the Pakistani community also preferred and favored them as their services were confidential and low-key. Pakistani parents to this day are not comfortable with the idea of personal information and photos of their prized brood floating around in cyber sphere in a “single, ready to mingle” state.
Previously this role was taken on by female members of the community, but I also found out that this role has evolved with time. It has broken the gender confines and modified into a different category as now certain senior male members of the community have also taken upon this responsibility.
While attending this wedding I was introduced to a new position of a “rishtay walay uncle”. This retired gentleman with salt and pepper hair and a distinguished moustache looked trustworthy as he delivered a well-rehearsed speech about what it is that he does for the local Pakistani community. I praised him for his efforts as finding a good match anywhere these days is hard. He talked to me about the challenges he faced while trying to bring the community together for a common good cause. His issues mostly circled around the prevalence of fraud and lies, incorrect or inadequate information, misrepresentation, and lack of response and interest from the parties made his job difficult. He alluded to the fact that people were not entirely honest about their status or background. “I am conscientious and I cannot take this matter lightly. I want to be able to sleep at night thinking that I did the right thing. Beta, you are too young to understand the implications of how a bad match can damage lives, and have a negative impact that lasts generations,” he said with a sad look in his eyes. I could not agree with him more.
(Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets including Global National and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way, and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
