How to Share Grief with Children
By Melissa Barreto
New Jersey
My children have had to face more death at their young ages than I ever had to. It’s the will of Allah. I used to think such loss would devastate them, break them into tiny pieces. But I’ve learned that when lovingly supported, children can be incredibly resilient.
Overall, I’ve found that helping my children to cope is not that different from helping myself to cope. I try to make space for my children’s grief the way that I make space for my own: openly, lovingly, and without judgement. Here are five suggestions that can help everyone.
Be honest.
As parents, our first instinct is to protect and guard our children against harm. Sometimes that involves not being honest, by either commission or omission. But lying to children rarely has benefits. Lies that surround important news, like the illness or death of a loved one, can cause hurt on top of hurt. Children who are lied to in times of grief will have to face the pain of losing their loved ones in addition to the pain of losing their trust in us for not being truthful.
There’s never going to be a good time to deliver bad news to our children. So, I’ve tried to be as honest and straightforward as I can.
When my mother passed away in early 2020, I sat my children down in the living room and gently said, “Your abuela died tonight.” No sugar coating, beating around the bush, or lies mixed with truth. Just the facts.
My older sons visibly absorbed the information and reacted as one would expect, but my youngest, who was only four years old at the time, looked at all of us confused. It was then I realized that some children, depending on their ages and maturity, may not comprehend what death practically means. I had to find ways to explain to him with words and examples that he could understand. What made the most sense to him at that time was the example of his pet cat whose kittens he helped bury when they died.
As an adult it may seem strange, even offensive to some, to compare the death of a beloved family member to that of an animal. But for my four-year-old, the process and impact was essentially the same: his loved one was gone and he would not see them again in this life. Once he understood what death meant to him, he could begin to grieve with the rest of us.
Answer their questions.
Children are naturally curious. In times of loss, it will be no different.
Like a new mother who sometimes needs to share and reshare the details of her birth experience, I believe grieving children sometimes need to ask and re-ask questions to help them process what has happened and come to terms with it.
I try to answer all of their questions as completely as I can.
In the case of my mother’s death, which was sudden and took us by surprise, the kids had a lot of questions; many I didn’t have immediate answers for. In those moments, simply saying, “I don’t know yet” or “we are still finding that out” helped to put them at ease far better than I think not answering them at all would have.
In the case of their great-grandmother’s death, which happened about six months later, and was a much slower process overall, the questions were simpler as the children had more time to prepare themselves and understand the situation.
Whatever the circumstance of the loss, children’s questions are a tool they use to make sense of their world and experiences. As hard as it may be to be questioned while you’re also grieving, ignoring or avoiding their inquiries all together will only make it harder for them to cope.
If at any point the questions get to be too much for you, gently saying something like, “I need a few minutes to myself right now but will answer your questions later” is okay, too.
Let them express themselves.
Just as grief can bring on a range of emotions for yourself, you can expect a range of emotions from your child, though they may present a little differently.
My older children's responses were similar to the adults around them, but generally less intense and shorter-lived. There was shock, but with a quick acceptance, and sadness but not the sort that interfered greatly with their day.
My youngest, however, would forget that our loved ones were no longer with us. For weeks afterwards, he would ask to call and talk to my mom on the phone and would need reminding about why she couldn’t answer. He would look for abuelita in her bedroom and need an explanation about why she wasn’t there. Each time he was reminded, it was like a new sadness came over him until he slowly worked towards acceptance and understanding.
I think the most important thing is embracing our children's emotions as they are and allowing them a safe space to share them with us.
Encourage them to share their feelings openly and without judgment. If they need more affection or attention at this time, try your best to give it to them. Help lighten their loads at school or around the house so they can have space to just be and work through their feelings.
Just like we would want someone to be present and hold space for us in our times of grief, our children need us to do the same for them.
Seek comfort from the Qur’an and Sunnah.
Alhamdulilah , all thanks and praise are due to God, that Islam is a religion rich with stories and examples to live by, especially in trying times. I found that sharing the traditions we have from Islam not only helped my children, but myself as well to keep moving forward.
During his brief lifetime, the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, lost his mother, his father, his grandfather, his uncle, his wife, multiple children, and, of course, many friends and companions in Islam. His story teaches us that even the most beloved servants will face loss and grief, that even the strongest of people will cry and show sadness, and that even in the most trying of times, we must all continue to turn toward Allah in order to move forward with our lives.
Qur’anic verses teach us that death is a normal and natural part of life, happening all around us with great purpose and masterful design. For human beings, death is not the end of our life, but merely a stopping point on our way to the afterlife and hopefully our final resting place in Paradise.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon; From Allah we come and to Allah we return.
Reminisce together.
Reminiscing together can be a beautiful way to remember the ones you’ve lost as you move forward with life. There are many ways to do it, too. My children love to look through old photos and retell funny moments. But you can also try:
- Watching family videos
- Sharing stories the children may not know
- Visiting their graves
- Saying prayers for your loved ones
- Making donations or doing other good deeds on their behalf
- Learning skills or hobbies that your loved ones knew
Pain and loss are unavoidable in this life but our children can learn to cope. With time and loving support, children’s grief gets lighter, and, inshaAllah, yours will, too.
(Melissa Barreto is a homeschooling mother of five children and the co-founder of Wildflower Homeschool Collective, a homeschool organization based in New Jersey)
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