While the term burnout has been traditionally reserved to refer to employees feeling overwhelmed by their jobs and working environments, psychologists began using the term to refer to parents in the 1980s. And it’s received growing attention for mothers especially
Mom Burnout and What You Can Do about It
By Melissa Barreto
New Jersey
“I feel so tired all the time. I’m doing things but it’s like my brain isn’t really there, my body is just on auto-pilot.”
“I’m basically ON all day, every day, from the time that I wake up until the time that I go to sleep. How am I supposed to make time for myself?”
“I take care of everything for the kids, maintain the house, help out with our parents, and I still have to manage things at work. It’s exhausting.”
“He tries to help but everyone always comes to me anyway, even when he is right there! It’s like every detail of every task and routine only lives inside my brain and nobody else can manage without me. I can never step away.”
Statements like these are all too familiar and I hear them from my mom friends regularly. I’ve even felt similarly at times. Complaints of overwhelm, exhaustion, brain fog, and living like a robot are so commonplace among modern mothers that psychologists have a name for the phenomena: Maternal Burnout.
What is Maternal Burnout?
While the term burnout has been traditionally reserved to refer to employees feeling overwhelmed by their jobs and working environments, psychologists began using the term to refer to parents in the 1980s. And it’s received growing attention for mothers especially.
But what is maternal burnout, exactly?
According to Rehan Seyem, LPC (licensed professional counselor) and psychotherapist based in New Jersey: “Mother burnout is a term used to describe the physical, emotional and mental state of exhaustion and prolonged stress that occurs when a mother is overwhelmed with her daily tasks in regard to motherhood, in which it affects her daily functioning and productivity.”
The Impacts of Maternal Burnout
Modern parenting is one of the most all-encompassing, significantly impactful, and long-lasting jobs there is. Reasons behind the burnout can stem from one of many factors, including, but not limited to:
- Lack of support from family or friends
- Sleep deprivation
- Financial stress
- Constant demands of childrearing
- Mental load of caring for the home and family
While fathers can definitely suffer from parental burnout, oftentimes, it’s the mothers who bear the brunt of it as they are the ones responsible for much of the day-to-day labor, responsibility, and mental load that comes with parenting.
Recent studies have shown that moms are disproportionately responsible for most of the decision-making and task follow-through needed to keep the family running, even when they also work outside the home. 1
“Women have multiple roles in society that lead us to have to “achieve it all,” says Seyam. “This unrealistic expectation of being ‘supermom’ creates a standard that women hold themselves to and, when they cannot meet this golden standard, they find themselves overwhelmed with even menial tasks and distraught that they aren’t doing a good enough job. Mental health is impacted by this prolonged stress with feelings of wanting to give up on her tasks, questioning one’s purpose in life, constant feelings of sadness and indifference when presented with decision making.”
One study found that mothers who experience maternal burnout can suffer from a range of emotions surrounding their parenting and experiences as a mom, including:
- Fear of not being a good enough mom
- Perfectionism
- Self-hate
- Shame
- Guilt
- Loneliness
- Intense emotional fatigue
- Unbonding from their children 2
For working mothers specifically, the load of parenting weighs heavy, especially since the start of the Covid-19 Pandemic. In a 2022 report on Pandemic Parenting released by the Ohio State University College of Nursing, working female parents were found to be 26% more likely to suffer from parental burnout than working male parents. The same study also found that when left unchecked, parental burnout can lead to depression, anxiety and an increase the likelihood for parents to insult, criticize, or physically harm their children. 3
But just as working mothers have stressors that can lead to burnout, so do stay-at-home mothers.
Mothers who choose to stay home, or do so out of necessity, and become full-time caregivers often face the parenting role completely alone, especially when their children are very young in age, which can lead to:
- Isolation
- Mental and physical exhaustion
- Feels of worthlessness
- Irritability
- Lack of self-care
- Facing stigma and negative judgments about choices
Facing the Stigma
For many women, opening up about feelings of burnout or needing help can be a difficult task.
“Mother burnout is a difficult topic to discuss for reasons of guilt, fear of judgment, stigma, and lack of support,” says Seyam. “Women feel guilty when they struggle to succeed in their natural role as a mother. Society has created high expectations of mothers and when we cannot meet those standards, it feels shameful to admit that we are not succeeding in our roles. Mothers have a fear of judgment of being labeled as a ‘bad mother’ because they are incapable of fulfilling their duties and responsibilities without complaints.”
Societal and cultural views of women and mothers play a role as women are often compared to the “ideal” standards of being a mom vs. being seen and respected for what they are actually dealing with and feeling. When mothers “fall short” of familial or community expectations, regardless of how outrageous the standards can sometimes be, fear of judgment, shame, and being looked down upon can prevent women from speaking up about their experiences and being clear about their needs.
“Society has created a stigma attached to when a mother is struggling as a parent,” explains Seyam. “She is expected to be naturally selfless, nurturing, and readily available to her children at the drop of a hat. These expectations are unrealistic and unfair because of the standard being set so high that anything that falls short is considered unacceptable. Mothers also feel a lack of support because they often internalize their sadness and stress because they feel they do not have anyone to express these thoughts to.”
Helping Mothers Cope with Burnout
No mother can do it all. And supporting our mothers, in all of their roles, is imperative to sustaining healthy individuals and families.
According to Rehan Seyam, the first step to helping moms cope is to create awareness about Maternal Burnout.
“Mother burnout needs a heightened awareness so that it can be dealt with before it becomes something bigger that needs professional help,” said Seyam. “In most cases, burnout needs an influx of support that allows the mother to feel validated for her feelings of stress, and given the resources she may need to manage the excess responsibilities that she is experiencing.”
After that, her number one suggestion for moms is: friends!
“In my personal opinion, the number one support that women need as mothers are women friends who can relate to their state of burnout and provide a listening ear,” advises Seyam. “Friendship is key in allowing a mother to release her steam and re-energize with those that experience similar feelings of frustration and stress. Time must be dedicated to spending time with other women to truly give the mother the support she needs to survive motherhood.”
Other forms of support for burnt-out mothers can be:
- Hiring a mother’s helper, babysitter, or nanny
- Enlisting family members or in-laws for help
- Sending kids for sleepovers at grandparents' house
- Carpooling or getting driving help for drop-offs and pickups
- Scheduling “me time” to focus on self-care
- Sticking to a solid sleep schedule
- Getting regular exercise, even if just a walk around the block
Every mother’s situation is different, and not all may have the support network or finances to pursue the suggestions above. Single parents, especially, tend to carry a much bigger load without immediate help in the home to delegate tasks to.
“Sole parenting has proven to be even more difficult when the single parent does not have the ability to come home and ‘take a break’ by simply handing off her children to her spouse,” says Seyam. “Single parents are more limited in this means of support which often leads to higher cases of burnout amongst this population.”
For individuals in sole parenting situations, a combination of self-care, daily routines, and creating a support network that includes alternative child care and professional help may be necessary to combat maternal burnout.
Opening Up About Burnout
If you’re a mom struggling with maternal burnout, one thing you can do right now is to start talking about it. The more we open up about what we are going through, the more awareness and understanding we can create, and the less harmful stigmas that silence our experiences can take root in our communities.
According to Rehan Seyam, to speak openly about our feelings, we’re going to need to be willing to be vulnerable.
“Speaking openly with our families without the fear of guilt or shame stems from one's ability to communicate with honesty and raw emotions,” says Seyam. “Most often we hide from sharing our vulnerable selves with others to protect the image we have created of being ‘supermom,’ so when tasked with the need to openly speak about our deficits, we have a tendency as mothers to shy away and instead hold in these feelings. When a mother wants to speak to her children about her feelings of burnout, it is best that she is honest in explaining that it is no one's fault that she is feeling how she feels, but she is looking to figure out a solution to decrease the feelings of being overwhelmed.”
Sharing our true feelings with our children, in ways they can understand, helps a child learn to listen with compassion, and models for them how to express their own feelings and needs.
“Mothers should find that safe space in their household with their husbands and children to express what a difficult time she is having, and allow this opportunity to brainstorm for solutions on alleviating her stress,” says Seyam. “It is important to use this as an avenue to create solutions and figure out exactly what needs to be done to ease the burden.”
Being honest with others about how we feel also means being honest with ourselves, too. Admitting our limits, recognizing our boundaries, and learning to aim for “good enough” are all important ways we can lessen feelings of maternal burnout and make the time we need for ourselves to recharge.
“Oftentimes we also overlook the mother's inability to see that things have gone too far,” warns Seyam. “It's important for the mother to recognize when the day is a wash and to take that time to ‘end the day,’ regardless of what part of the day it is. Sometimes that means that she stops folding laundry, makes herself a cup of coffee, and goes to sit on the couch. At these moments, it is clear that she may not be able to be productive or calm because either too many things have gone wrong in her day or just simply knowing that she does not have the energy to continue trying to make the day ‘work’ for her family. At this point, she may need to skip bath night and order in food and most importantly, not feel guilty about her need to take a break.”
Recognizing When to Reach For Professional Help
Symptoms of burnout can mimic symptoms of depression and other larger issues. This can make it difficult to know when material burnout is getting out of hand.
According to Rehan Seyam, serious signs that maternal burnout may need professional help include:
- persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or helplessness
- loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable
- difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
- changes in appetite or weight
- feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with daily tasks
- thoughts of self-harm or suicide
- difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- irritability, anger, or mood swings
- physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue
- withdrawing from family and friends
“There is no shame in seeking help from a professional counselor so that they can provide support, guidance and treatment options to manage burnout,” urges Seyam.
End Notes
1 Women Carry Most of the Mental Load of Running a Household | Psychology Today
2 Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up
3 Pandemic Parenting: Examining the Epidemic of Working Parental Burnout and Strategies to Help
(Melissa Barreto is a home educating mother of five children and the Co-Founder of Wildflower Homeschool Collective, a homeschool organization based in Northern New Jersey. https://www.soundvision.com/article/mom-burnout-and-what-you-can-do-about-it )
