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Stay-at-Home Mom: Housebound or Liberated?
By Sumayya Khan
Toronto, Canada

My life as a stay-at-home mother transformed when the pandemic lockdowns began in March 2020. What may have seemed like daunting days ahead full of cranky children, a messy house, and loneliness, turned out to be an unexpectedly joyous time.

The extra time allowed me to reassess my lifestyle and the goals that I wanted to achieve – how I raised my children, took care of my own growth and development, and how I spent time with my husband and family. Many stay-at-home mothers (SAHM) like myself had seen this shift in their lives as well during and after the pandemic.

The Decision to Become a SAHM

After years of working as a full-time teacher, I decided to become a stay-at-home mom once my first child was born. It was a decision both my husband and I made as we agreed to give our child full attention for at least the first three years. If I wanted to start working again during those three years, it was a decision that we would revisit by discussing the development of our child and the capacity for him/her to stay with another caregiver from our support network.

It is important for couples to discuss their personal goals and dreams with each other. Planning your family’s future together deliberately by blocks of 5 to 10 years will help prevent any resentment or misunderstandings in the future. Even if everything does not go according to plan, both spouses should be ready to revisit their plans and be understanding of each other’s needs and desires and help each other fulfill them in whatever capacity they can. Therefore, allowing space for trust, compromise, positive intentions, and a realistic outlook is important for a married couple as they are the foundation of their family. Sometimes sacrifices will be made, but it should be understood by both partners that that’s part of life as Allah alum, Allah is the Best of Planners.

Benefits and Sacrifices

Each lifestyle choice comes with its own set of pros and cons. There are SAHM’s who have babies or toddlers, or school-going children, or who are homeschooling. These mothers may also be living with other family members, running a home business, studying for a degree or enhancing their Islamic knowledge, or even working part-time. I personally chose to become a home educator within the first year of my child’s life. This decision set the tone of our household in terms of how chores, childcare, quality time, and routines were going to be set.

Benefits and Suggestions. Here are some of the benefits I have realized and suggestions I wanted to share.

Relaxed quality time: You can spend more time with your children in a relaxed manner – slow breakfasts, walks to the park, and running errands together. There can also be more time for meaningful conversations and playtime with your children.
Milestones: You are likely to be available to witness their tiny milestones such as your baby learning to hold a spoon or say a new word.
Welcoming home environment: Children going to school look forward to having their mother waiting for them at pick up or at home.
Free time: You may have additional time on your hands. Some women use the time to contribute to the household income through a home-based business. If those women have school-going children, it frees up time for mothers to focus on their business, hobbies, socializing, uninterrupted housework, community work, and self-care in terms of administrative work, grooming or even exercise.

Engaging support system: If your child is very young but is able to play independently, you can put him/her in the care of a daycare, preschool/Montessori, grandparent, or babysitter for a few hours on a regular basis just so you can focus on taking care of yourself, your home, or to engage in meaningful work, study, or activities. If you are a home-educator, you can do the same as the above suggestion after your children are done with their lessons and activities. Your time is more flexible with this lifestyle.
Homeschooling allows for more observation: If homeschooling, children spend time with you for every part of your routine. They are more likely to learn more life skills, how to have quiet time separately, and observe and learn from the tasks adults do out in the world.
Difficult phases: Some working mothers have told me that when their children were going through a difficult phase in their life, they stopped working for a while because they wanted to give their children extra attention during those times. If your financial situation allows, you can also give care to an ailing parent or child or sort some difficulties out for them.

Sacrifices. There can also be sacrifices and trade-offs.

Loss of additional income: Many dual-income families exist nowadays in North American society. Choosing to forgo the additional income can be a hard choice. It is usually a decision spouses make for the sake of their family’s future.
Potential for burnout: You may have less time to yourself if there is no arrangement with other family members to take over childcare. If your spouse or support network does not or cannot support you in giving you a break each day, weekly or even every now and then, you are likely to reach burnout very quickly. This will not bode well for the well-being of the family overall.
Delayed career advancement: Forgoing or delaying the advancement of your career can mean not realizing your own career goals. This is a tough sacrifice to make.
Take on more housework: As the parent who does not work outside of the home, you may feel inclined to pick more of the household chores, more childcare, care for elderly family members, and be the main cook of the family. To lessen your load, you can arrange to have chores assigned to your children, spouse, other family members, and even get regular assistance such as with house cleaning. You can also have professional home-cooked meals ordered by catering businesses if available in your community. All of these choices warrant a primary conversation and understanding with other family members in the household.

Focusing on Personal Growth and Development

Having full control over my schedule was liberating. I could decide when to teach lessons to my children, work , study, clean the house, cook the meals, and spend quality time with my family. I decided to fulfill some of my long-term goals. And one of them was to study the Qur’an in depth.

Attention to Islamic Practices and Knowledge. There are a number of areas that deserve attention spiritually.

Prayer: if you find yourself rushing through your prayers during the day because of your children, use Tahajjud (late night prayer) , early morning, Fajr, predawn, and Isha’, night, prayers to pray slowly by reciting longer surahs and pondering on them. Take the time after prayer to recite adhkar, supplications of remembrance of Allah, and make extensive dua’s, supplications.
Qur’an: Make the time to recite the Qur’an alone during a quiet period of the day, but also make it a point to recite in front of your children, as children learn often by our example. Moreover, if you can arrange the time to sit down, or even listen while going about your day, try to join a course that explains the tafsir or meaning of the Qur’an and how it can be applied to our lives. Many Islamic institutes now offer flexible options to complete diplomas or degrees in any of the Islamic sciences online and/or in-person.
Other practices such as fasting, zakat, going to the masjid, and halaqas, learning circles: Most of these practices are best done in the presence of our children as they learn from experiencing them with us. Have their father take them to a regular prayer time or to jummah, Friday prayer. I would often take my kids to my halaqas, Islamic circles and classes, or let them be around me while I listen to my Qur’an class. If you’d like to carve out time to do some of these practices alone, lean on your support system.

All Round Self Care: Self-care can include general grooming, beautifying yourself, getting a massage, regularly exercising, eating healthier, journaling, socializing with family and friends, engaging in a hobby, or completing administrative tasks such as booking your doctor and dental appointments, paying the bills, and planning. Scheduling these tasks with your partner rather than trying to fit them in will prevent or at least decrease the likelihood of burnout for you.

Career Growth: Staving back and focusing on pursuing your career goals on a part-time basis with the help of your support network can be an ideal situation if you would like to keep your resume updated throughout your intensive parenting years. If your children have reached a manageable age where they can be with other trusted adults for longer periods of time, part-time work online or in-person can be an option. After a three-year hiatus, I was offered an online teaching position during the first year of the pandemic. I only had to teach once a week for two hours, which was very manageable as I had childcare available on a weekly basis. My children were toddlers at the time, but my husband and I decided we could both make this work. This was a small step toward advancing my career in education before I take larger ones in the future.
Income Generation and Hobbies: Another burgeoning trend during the pandemic years was home-based businesses by mothers. Through the use of online platforms, SAHM’s have found ways to generate income through collaborations with companies, upload products that bring in passive income, and also actively sell products and services. This is another angle from which stay-at-home mothers can pursue their desire to have an additional income without leaving the house often. Sharing their ideas, expertise, and knowledge online is also fulfilling their desire to connect and help others outside of their home. The expansion of many of the world’s functions to online platforms has made it possible to connect with people for those bound to their homes. Due to this great change, homesteading has come back into popularity. There is an emerging movement towards growing and preserving your own food, making your own hygienic products, raising animals, moving to the countryside, and using food and herbs as medicine all the while raising and serving your family.

A more self-sufficient, slower routine, and family-focused lifestyle is possible due to the rise of remote work. The online world has given me and other SAHMs the opportunity to learn, work, and explore our creative passions without stepping outside our doors. While being a stay-at-home mom does keep her housebound, it can be quite liberating!

( Sumayya Khan is a homeschooling mother of two and a teacher. She has worked with several Islamic schools and organizations in the last 10 years. She is currently teaching Literature online with Dawanet and studying the Qur’an through Al-Huda Institute. In her free time, she loves to spend time with her family and friends, play sports, enjoy nature, and read books. She currently resides with her family in Toronto, Canada.)

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