Processing the Recent Loss of a Loved One!
By Faiza Zia Khan
Newport Beach, CA
As we stagger into the last few days of 2020 exhausted with COVID-19, US elections, waiting-for-the-vaccine fatigue I almost want the year to magically turn into 2021 right this minute instead of waiting for the actual moment to arrive.
New year brings new hopes and aspirations with the expectations that with some miracle all our problems will dissolve and turn into greater joys. Keeping fingers crossed as this year has been challenging on many levels for every individual, family, organization, cities, and countries. I do not remember in my lifetime ever having read/heard about as many deaths, or having to convey as many condolence messages as I have this year.
From the death of a pet, an infant, to an elderly family member, we all know someone who lost a loved one. It took a lot of courage and time for me to focus and write this article as it was very emotionally draining for me to process all that is happening around us. I needed to get this out of my system to move forward and get my writing creativity back. This is a eulogy from all of us reading this article for all of those beloved souls we have lost. I was hiding under a blanket of grief and fog refusing to face the reality of coming to terms with this irreplaceable loss. I am thankful to Akhtar Faruqui and family for motivating me in these dark times to get out of my slough and work on this article which is not only personal for myself, but will resonate with all those folks who have lost near and dear ones.
I lost my beloved father Shakil Yousuf Khan on October 20, 2020. This date (10/20/2020) will remain etched in my memory forever. My Dad was an extraordinary man, yet so humble that he would go above and beyond to stay ordinary. I do not want to focus here on his career resume that entails glorified tales of his education and a thriving vocational timeline.
As his first born daughter I want to highlight his humane side, the qualities that gave him the ethereal persona until he breathed his last breath. There was not even one pretentious bone in his body. He always downplayed his prowess, wealth, superior lineage, and abilities. Dad and mom together created the cozy home that nurtured all four of us siblings and in turn, our children too as the brood expanded.
He was an incredible son, a remarkable brother, a loving husband, an exemplary father, and a quintessential grandfather. He instilled in us the core familial values of “love flows downhill,” never having any expectations from anyone, to being independent, but above all being kind unconditionally - to everyone! Dad was an extrovert. He made friends with everyone from the online Instacart shopper who came to deliver groceries to the neighbors’ kids playing across the street. In return, everyone loved my Dad due to his generous demeanor that exuded limitless charm and goodness.
He always had a mischievous twinkle in his eye and a charismatic smile on his lips. His specialty was that he was never in a foul mood. Even if he was having a rough day he would never let anyone know. Whenever any of us wanted to vent about work, chores, or ruminate about mundaneness of life in general, he would set everything aside and give us his full undivided attention. He lent an attentive ear even if he could not fix our problems for us, he made sure he provided a safe environment to voice our concerns in.
He was a man of honor who believed in keeping his word. He made it certain that we were highly educated not only on paper (my sister has a PhD and all of us siblings have one or two master’s degrees each) but in life, and fostered all kinds of learning opportunities for us and our kids. He stressed upon learning other languages (being fluent in seven himself), musical instruments (played the piano and the guitar), and handy life skills that simply allowed us to be independent and fierce. He was there for the birth of our children, just like he was there for all our graduation ceremonies and in turn for our kids as well. He was a cool granddad who took selfies with his grandkids, kept up with the times, attended the virtual high school graduation ceremony for our daughter’s “Class of 2020,” with equal fervor and sent in congratulatory messages to the school website. Dad was a strong believer in God and the power of prayers. He left this mortal world with prayers on his lips peacefully in his sleep without even a sound due to natural causes, just like he lived his life - tranquil and calm.
When I got the news mid-morning of his demise, I remember that moment vividly. I was in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee and my phone started ringing incessantly. By the time I got to it the caller had disconnected. I saw four missed calls from my brother in Vancouver. Hmmmm...highly unusual behavior as my brother never calls like that. Pocket dialed in error? This was my first thought as I called him back. He answered on the first ring. All I heard was crying and the words no one ever wants to hear in their lives, “Dad passed away, Faiza. He is not with us anymore…” The rest is a blur.
My husband told me later that he was on a work conference call when heard me scream “No, Noooo…” and a loud thud as he ran out of the room towards the kitchen. He picked me up from the kitchen floor and sat me down on the couch. I do not have any active memory of the next 24hours, until the time I was in front of the fireplace in my parents living room in Vancouver, British Columbia crying my heart out in my mother’s arms.
Grief has its ways. We have all experienced it in some form or another in our lives. It comes in waves and a floodgate of tears consumes our family whenever we think of him. Heartache makes us appreciate the good times and cherish the memories we had with our loved ones. There is no right way, a time limit, or a user’s guide that comes with instructions on how to process grief/loss.
We seek solace in knowing our loved ones are in a better place and this thought process allows us to move forward. I would like to include all of our readers who are dealing with similar situations in their lives and convey this message of hope. All of us have to depart from this world at one point, but we were sent here to serve a higher purpose. Let us all try to live our best lives and achieve the most we can within our reach and capacity. Along this journey please do not lose sight of the ultimate goal to BE KIND to everyone whose lives we touch!
(Faiza Zia Khan holds a Master’s in Journalism degree from the University of British Columbia, Canada. She has collaborated with news media outlets, including Global National, and actively volunteers for several community investment projects for the Red Cross, United Way and the Breast Cancer Foundation)
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