How to Rebuild Trust with Family or Friends when the Relationship Is Strained
By Sumayya Khan
Toronto, Canada
Haven't spoken to your friend in a long time? Had a bad fallout with a family member recently? Perhaps the standoff between you and the other person compels you to not patch things up with them again for a long time or even forever. And why not? It makes life easier when we are not around unnecessarily difficult or even “toxic” people as they say nowadays. Be it your parents, siblings, any other family member, or even friends and colleagues, it would be easier to avoid them than to squander away our already strapped mental and bodily resources in dealing with them, correct?
That would not be according to Islamic guidance, however. Our Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, had a suggestion:
“The believer who mixes with people and is patient with their harm has a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people, nor is patient with their harm.”
(Sunan Ibn Majah, 4032)
In Islam, we are mandated to maintain our blood relations, specifically those related to that of the womb or rahm. According to the Qur’an, we are not allowed to violate or abandon those relations:
“O men, fear your Lord who created you from a single soul, and from it created its match, and spread many men and women from the two. Fear Allah in whose name you ask each other (for your rights), and fear (the violation of the rights of) the womb-relations. Surely, Allah is watchful over you.”
(Surah An-Nisa, 4:1)
Who would count as your womb-relations? Well, that would include your parents, siblings, children, grandparents, and maternal and paternal aunts and uncles. These are people with whom you should be keeping regular contact with and showing your utmost attention and care.
How Can I Rebuild a Frayed Relationship?
In Islam, we are encouraged to cultivate our relationships, especially that of our family. Allah greatly rewards those who uphold relationships with family despite any challenges that are present. Even if the other person is not speaking with you, you must keep up basic greetings and ask how they are doing in order to maintain the relationship. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, mentioned:
“The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship.”
(Bukhaari, 5645)
An example of maintaining a frayed relationship from our Prophet’s lifetime, peace and blessings be upon him, can be seen as follows from another hadith. A man came to the Prophet and said:
“‘O Messenger of Allah, my relatives are such that I cooperate with them, but they cut me off; I am kind to them but they ill-treat me; I forbear but they are rude to me.’ The Prophet replied, ‘If you are as you say, you are then feeding them with hot ashes; and so long as you remain the way you are, Allah will always help you and he will protect you against their mischief.’”
(Sahih Muslim 2558a)
Imam Nawawi, a renowned scholar of hadith, explained that hot ashes are a metaphor for the amount of pain and agony experienced by the one who eats them. 1 Overall, we should strive to not give up when it comes to cultivating our relationship with our blood relations.
Here are some ways we can preserve our current relations or rebuild ones that have broken down:
1. Visit those relatives or friends living in your vicinity often.
You can decide whom to visit according to importance. Your parents are the most important, for example. Whether you live with them or apart, try to connect with or visit them on a weekly basis. You may have a busy schedule with school or work, however, take out time to sit down and catch up with them at the very least, with your full attention. For the rest of your relatives or even close friends, arrange a schedule where you are meeting them either bi-weekly, monthly, and so on. Having a schedule will ensure that you are keeping up with them and showing them that they are important enough to even be a part of your busy schedule.
2. Call, email, or text your long distant relatives or friends.
Almost every person has a phone number, email address, or a social media account worldwide. We cannot make any excuse not to connect with anyone as a result. Therefore, make the effort to regularly message or call those relatives in a warm manner, ensuring them that you have not forgotten them, and even inform them that you wish to visit them or have them over to your home. This simple act will go a long way with them.
3. Always greet and ask how they are doing.
Whether the other party dislikes you due to some family issues or does not even respond to you, greet them with a salam or hello if your family member or friend is non-Muslim and genuinely ask them how they are doing. Your sincerity may eventually warm them up to you in the future or, if they never do, you will gain your reward with Allah for trying to maintain that relationship.
4. Always strive to attend all family gatherings and close friends’ gatherings.
The only way for people to keep up with you is to show up. Showing your face to any gathering - big or small - shows your commitment to keeping those relationships. You may not enjoy attending your family’s gatherings, however, your attentive presence makes a difference to how your family will perceive you. By attentive, I mean that you are not scrolling on your phone or sitting in another room avoiding contact with anyone, rather that you are engaging in conversations and having positive interactions with them. This applies to even video calls with family members. Give the same listening ear and treatment to all ages, whether they are young children or elderly.
5. Clear up any misunderstandings or hard feelings as soon as you can.
Conflicts and misunderstandings are bound to happen in all human relationships. If you were involved in a conflict with another family member or friend, take some time to cool off first. When your emotions have stabilized, make time to meet with the other party and reconcile with them. It would be good to add a neutral third party in the reconciliation to avoid any further flare-ups. Allah loves it when we reconcile and mend our relationships - there is much reward to be had in this action:
“There is no good in most of their secret talks—except those encouraging charity, kindness, or reconciliation between people. And whoever does this seeking Allah’s pleasure, We will grant them a great reward.”
(Surah An-Nisa, 4: 114)
Our Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, had also commended the action of reconciliation:
“Do you know what is better than charity and fasting and prayer? It is keeping peace and good relations between people, as quarrels and bad feelings destroy mankind.”
(Muslim)
6. Offer to help your family and friends in any way you can and also be there for them during hard times.
Whether it is an encouraging or sympathizing phone call or message, or showing up with food at their doorstep, these small actions go a long way in strengthening your relationships.
7. Make dua or supplication, for your family and friends.
When alone, make sincere dua for their welfare in all aspects of their lives. Make dua for true and rejuvenating reconciliation if you are in the middle of a conflict, asking Him to give them a change of heart for the better. Dua means involving Allah in maintaining your relationships, which in return, He blesses your life and makes ease in your matters as well.
Learn from Our Prophets’ Examples
The story of Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, as told in the Qur’an is a classic example of jealousy and envy between siblings. In spite of his brothers’ hatred, jealousy, and their plans to kill him, Yusuf, peace be upon him, only turned to Allah for support. After their horrid abandonment of him and seeing his brothers after many years, he still forgave them and wanted to reconcile with them. His persevering patience was witnessed by Allah and it paid off as he was reunited with beloved father.
Many of our other prophets such as Lut, Ibraheem, Nuh, and even Muhammad, peace be upon all of them, had suffered difficulties in their closest relations. Lut, peace be upon him, had to leave his wife behind with their disbelieving township. Ibraheem, peace be upon him, suffered betrayal by his father no matter how much he loved him. Nuh, peace be upon him, had to leave his son behind on a hilltop as the flood increased. And Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, suffered ridicule and social boycott by his uncle. They all kept their ties with their families despite all the challenges they faced until Allah ordered them to let go of them. Allah has presented their stories in the Qur’an to show us how our family and friends can be challenging but how we can wisely handle them through their examples.
All in all, listen genuinely to your family members’ and friends’ interests, concerns, and help them if you can. And give them hope and your sincere prayers, reassurance, and love as they are worth much more than anything else.
End Notes
1 Keep Up Your Kin Relationships: Relations of the Womb and the Throne of the Merciful (Part 2 of 2) - Al Jumuah Magazine
(Sumayya Khan is a homeschooling mother of two and a teacher. She has worked with several Islamic schools and organizations in the last 10 years. She is currently teaching and writing. In her free time, she loves to spend time with her family and friends, play sports, enjoy nature, and read books. She currently resides with her family in Toronto, Canada. SoundVision)
