Opinion

Letter to Uncle John Bull
By Sir Cam
Cambridge, England

Dear Uncle,

I'm glad to hear that you're not into these crappy celebrity reality TV shows such as Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother. What reality? What celebrities? There you were in the House of Commons on Wednesday commenting on the furor surrounding alleged racism and bullying on the show: "I have not seen this particular program so I cannot comment on it".
What I can't understand, uncle, is that you couldn't have missed the ghastly execution of Saddam Hussain on December 30 but you didn't comment on it until a full eleven days later and that wasn't in the House of Commons either. Contrast that with your speedy response on a faltering reality TV franchise. Perhaps you fancy Shilpa Shetty, the Indian actress at the center of the controversy in the show, in a way you weren't too keen on that ugly brute of Baghdad.
I was pleased to hear, uncle, that you're against bullying and racism: "We should oppose racism in all its forms". However, I get this nagging feeling that you've been bullying us around over the past decade and can't think of a better word than "bully" to describe your invasion and occupation of Iraq. Lately, you're into bullying Iran. Some nasty people out there have taken to calling you John Bully. How dare they!
Can you believe it, uncle, more than 22,000 complaints have been received so far about the shitty program in which Shetty appears. Channel 4, however, is adamant, "To date there has been no overt racial abuse or racist behavior directed against Shilpa Shetty within the Big Brother house. They are of the opinion that "there has undoubtedly been a cultural and class clash between her and three of the British females in the house".
I suppose, uncle, it's a bit like the cultural and religious clash which has taken you back into Afghanistan and Iraq.
Remind me again, uncle, that it's not a "clash of civilizations". And only extremists believe there to be a crusade and a jihad going on. For the rest of us, let's sit back in our sofas and watch so-called celebrities bitching around.
Before I forget, uncle, I've read that "Paki girl" was paid £350,000 to appear on the show. Well, she's certainly added a bit of spice and deserved every penny for shooting up the shows viewing figures to 4.5 million. She deserves a bonus payment now, don't you think? The bookies think she'll come out as the winner of the show. Never mind, Bollywood, she's an international "celebrity" now. She's splashed all over the newspapers. British politicians are issuing statements left right and center, as are the Indians.
Priyaranjan Dasmunsi, India's Information and Broadcasting Minister, has said, "If there has been some racism shown against her in the show, it is not only an attack on women but also on the skin and the country". It's very personal for the Indians. It's also an attack on Bollywood. But it's more than all that: it's an attack on all non-whites, all foreigners.
One of the female participants of the show expressed the xenophobia by calling for the Indian actress to "f--- off home". While Shetty will go home a bigger star and considerably richer, it's different for us British Asians. You see, uncle, this is our home, too. We live and love here. We have enriched the society and contributed so much here. Where would we be without an "Indian", the traditional curry, which has replaced fish and chips as the national meal?
Uncle, you will no doubt have heard Gordon Brown, the prime-minister-in-waiting, commenting on the Channel 4 program, "I want Britain to be seen as a country of fairness and tolerance. Anything detracting from this I condemn". One of your spokespersons also commented, "What clearly is to be regretted and countered is any perception abroad that in any way we tolerate racism in this country". So, we've finally come around to perceptions of image and Britain's reputation abroad. That's what hurts, doesn't it, uncle?
Have you, uncle, ever thought about Britain's image and reputation abroad when it comes to the consequences of your invasion of Iraq? Do you ever have a sleepless night pondering over the bloodshed and anarchy you've supported? While commenting on the presence of increased US forces in Iraq, Simon Jenkins commented recently that "the only real enthusiasts are neocon diehards and Tony Blair". Uncle, you don't want your good name to be linked with those extremist neocons, do you? History will be your judge, you argue. Yes, it definitely will be.
Mahathir Mohamad, the former Prime Minister of Malaysia, may have turned into a bit of a crank, but even nuts have been known to utter truths. Mahathir, uncle, has called you a "culprit" in the invasion and occupation of Iraq. Speaking after the handing of Saddam Hussain, Mahathir said, "He [Tony Blair] is as much a war criminal as he accuses Saddam of being a war criminal. The number of people he kills or causes to be killed is very many more than the number of people that Saddam caused to be killed". Of course, you're not Saddam, but the widely held belief is that you have a share in the hell that now goes by the name of Iraq.
Uncle, of course, all decent people want "fairness and tolerance" and "oppose racism in all its forms". That's as much rhetoric as Mahathir's statements. Well, uncle, you ask us, those who have made Britain a home, and we'll tell you a little about fairness, tolerance and racism. We don't need to watch sick TV shows to realize that racism thrives. It's not a perception, uncle dear, but a reality for many of us. And I don't mean reality TV, but the reality of being young (and old), Asian and black (or brown, or whatever).
I wonder, uncle, whether all this media noise about this "reality TV" show is really about racism or something else in the same way as the invasion of Iraq was supposedly about Saddam's WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) and the liberation of an oppressed people. Is it about money and contracts? Bad PR or poor perceptions about Britain abroad means it will hit us in the pocket. And we don't really want to mess around with the Indians these days, do we? The Empire may be no more, but the aura lingers.
The Sunday Independent leader on January 7 made this interesting statement: " 'The oil can is mightier than the sword,' said the 19th-century US Senator Everett Dirksen [ps: see note below]. Nowhere does this seem more true than in contemporary Iraq where, despite widespread despair about the war's costs in terms of blood and treasure, US corporations look set to be some of the conflict's few winners. The announcement that the Iraqi government is planning to change its constitution to allow foreign extraction of oil will give Western companies access to the world's third largest oil reserves". It's the oil, stupid.
Finally, uncle, I hope you'll be joining in the celebration of the 150 anniversary of the 1857 Indian uprising against the British.
With hugs and love from your nephew.

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