The Lore of Identity
By Imran H. Khan
Milpitas, CA
I am a young Pakistani, born, bred and educated in the West. I am the child of immigrants from the land created in zest. They arrived on these shores with an interim mentality but they were rewarded by this world with a disparate identity.
For the years that I was cajoled in my urban hole, I had got accustomed to my divergent role. However, on that day when I was faced with the world I became the gambit of the moral code. I was confronted with a multitude of identities, thoughts and roads.
Decisions that others round me had taken for themselves were being planned out and mapped for me instead. I was forced into worshipping my parents, their relatives and friends. I had to go to college, get the grades and be the best! All the kids at school were allowed to party, drink alcohol and get laid. I couldn’t eat this, drink that, or go out to the clubs. I was the loner, the outsider who didn’t fit into the crack. I really liked the blondes, brunettes and macho guys but my father warned me against such ties!
I eventually made college and traveled far away. I thought I had escaped my parent’s backward glare. I enjoyed, I broke all taboos, and I fulfilled my desires. Finally I had been able to become like any other kid only to realize the folly of my affair. I had often felt I had to be as they wanted me to be. Who are they you may ask? I will tell you all if you just read ahead. You see we all make choices based on perceived destiny.
One could be from the East or the West, but you always feel that your way is the best.
I tried to fit into the mould; I tried to appease them all. Society wanted me to be glamorous hip and trendy but my parental culture was not so easy.
I was facing a daily fight, I was struggling to resist the urge to run away and hide. I wanted to please; I wanted to be whatever they wanted me to be, a good kid with firm roots and clear sense of identity.
To them this was how it should be!
When at home I was a desi! Zee, Geo, ARY, Indian movies, chapattis, pakoras and chai helped convince me of an era gone by.
However, when I stepped out my hallowed sanctuary I was faced with my ever-present destiny.
I am what Fraud may call a split personality or what Iqbal may say is a lost personality.
I spent my youth in contemplation, lost in confusion, riled in delusion.
My parents had done well and made their money; we all worshiped at this alter of sweet honey!
There was another passageway that fitted somewhere in between my ancestral culture and birth place, it asked for sacrifice and to worship a deity not often associated with these so-called worldly delights!
I often wondered through my upbringing what this message was in its being. My parents brushed it off as a cultural milestone, a guiding post that could be only understood by those that had failed!
It was something that could be learnt once I had completed my indoctrination, into worshipping their idols and power hungry motivations.
I grew curious; I wanted to know: Why we starved ourselves for a month in jest, why we knelt to prayer so reluctantly, offer sacrifices for an unknown cause and then spend the rest of our time talking smack, smearing, swearing and deceiving our own backs. What was the use of this cultural anomaly? How beneficial could it be?
Then one day as if by divine luck, it all became clear, I was made aware. This thing they call religion had a purpose, for those without any control.
Some know it as the way of Abraham or even the teachings of the East. In the West it’s called capitalism, economics and democracy! This was the basis of their God whom they worshipped. They made effigies of him and some call him the great dollar; others knew him as success and status, yet others worshipped mere mortals with no physical or perceived prowess.
This seemed a little strange to me!
Was I going to live my life in the confines of such hypocrisy? How could I bow down to another man, an idol, a symbol or even my own clan? How could I follow the teachings that caused perpetual wars, economic calamities and wiped out generations for eternity!
Surely there had to be another reality.
Being a Pakistani or an American meant nothing to me. I couldn’t fit into either of the categories. I didn’t worship the Quaid, or the founding fathers of the right. I didn’t believe in the colonialist constitution or the federalist’s institutions.
Then I discovered my right, my being and guide. I opened up The Noble Qur’an to discover that I had a purpose greater than what I had been sold. I was not here to worship money, success or the status of others who were held up like Barbie dolls. Neither was I here to lead a fragile life of insolence. I was created in the divine essence by a creator who was Omnipresent, Omnipotent and One in His existence. I finally discovered Islam, a manual for life, a guide for those who desire the light. I had stumbled upon the great secrete; I had finally found the yellow brick road that is only for the seeker, a path to my great keeper.
I am no longer required to impress upon others my credentials, my goals and my intentions. I have found He who knows it all. He has lit the flame of desire in my heart; He has given me an identity not to be found in any constitutional remedy. I am neither a socialist nor a conservative for I walk the middle path. I don’t possess hate in my heart not attract the attention of others who are lead of the path. My journey has just begun, for the purpose of my life had been to find the start.
The solution is near, the answers are clear. It’s all in your mind; it’s been with you all the time. Search deep within your soul and find the light, seek the truth of that One Power, He will then give you your own honor. Seek His counsel; seek his light for mere men are nothing but in plight to save their own souls from the darkness of the night.
Let me end this story with some sound advice for my brothers and sisters who are searching for their identity and are tired of the fight. You are a person who cannot be defined; you are a light that cannot be extinguished by the wild winds of the ignorant minds. Don’t let yourself be caught in the traps and illusions, don’t become the idol of others delusions. Be yourself and define your goals and follow your dreams for Allah will make it all clear.
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