Combating the Scourge of Domestic Violence
By Rohida Khan
Los Angeles , CA
There are few areas in every one’s life that people do not want to discuss. Many of us would rather pretend that it is not happening and particularly in the Muslim community. Domestic violence (dv) is one of those issues. Islam is a wonderful religion, but it does not make us immune to the challenges of life. As Muslims we have the obligation to stand for justice and act when we know and/or witness injustice. Domestic violence is unjustifiable in Islam.
Research shows that a domestic violence act occurs every 15 seconds somewhere in the United States. That figure translates to over 2.5 million victims per year. The majority of domestic violence victims are women and children, but we are victims if we stand by and do nothing. Domestic violence is a problem that affects society and these victims encounter numerous obstacles that can affect them for the rest of their lives. Domestic violence is a critical health problem, and it can affect individuals, families and communities at large, hence Muslims are not immune to this epidemic.
How do we define Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is abuse committed by a spouse, a former spouse, a fiancée, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and a cohabitant upon another individual. It can also be understood as a pattern of behavior through which an abuser controls the life of a victim to establish his/her power by the use of any or all of the following: force, fear, intimidation, manipulation, and coercion. It can be physical, emotional, financial, psychological, and or sexual abuse.
Islam has a zero tolerance for any kind of abuse against humanity, particularly against women, children, and those who cannot defend themselves (weak, old and etc.). It is sad to observe and hear Muslims ignoring and denying that this occurs in our community. The first step is to acknowledge that the problem exists, and then become a part of the solution. It is not easy, but remember that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Viewing zulum and not doing anything is accepting it.”
Abusers can be from any and every back ground, regardless of any religion, nationality, financial, educational or professional background. Any abuser is an abuser and his or her only aim is to control another person. Although the physical abuse is easily recognizable the impact of emotional and psychological abuse are far more devastating and many times harder to detect than the physical abuse.
Family relations in Islam
Islam teaches love, respect and Justice in all relations.
“And among His signs is this: that He created for you mates from among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquility with them. He has put love and mercy between your hearts; in that are signs for those who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)
If the above mentioned verse is being applied to all family relations then there would be no DV in the Muslim community. The fact is DV exists in all communities, including Muslim families, and the only way to eliminate the problem is to acknowledge the issue and work both with the victim and abuser.
For victims, I recommend a safety plan and doing something about it ( may be getting professional help) and for the abuser, the first and foremost thing would be to assess the level of danger the abuser can be to his/her family and loved ones, and then getting appropriate help. It could be mental health counseling, attending classes, a separation and or divorce if need be.
We as an Umma need to understand that violence in the home is a contradiction of the principles of Islam, and that marriage is a most serious pledge made before Allah. Allah wants Muslim families to live in peace and harmony.
“And among His wonders is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you might find restfulness and satisfaction, and He has engendered between you affection, and tenderness: surely, in that are signs for people who think/reflect.” (Q: 30 V: 21)
I f someone is living in constant fear, tries to avoid topics that can anger her/his spouse, feels emotionally numb or helpless, and have to walk on eggshells because someone is always yelling and humiliating her/him , than the chances are that she/he might be in an abusive relationship and we all need to do something about it.
Types of abuse
When discussing abuse, people usually think of physical abuse and tendency to overlook the other types of abuse. Research shows that constant emotional abusers usually are good at denying, minimizing, and hiding the abuse and always blaming the victim for everything. They also may use the excuses of having a bad day, a drug/alcohol problem, poor upbringing, stress at work, and/or a financial situation that causes him/her to abuse the victim. One should understand that the victim is not responsible for any of the above mentioned problems and that if an abuser has a problem he/she needs to seek some professional help. Many people as well as the abusers will minimize and renationalize their behavior as just an anger problem. If it is just an anger problem, the abuser would be yelling, name calling and humiliating everyone who upset him including his/her boss, the imam, a police officer, etc. Domestic violence is far more extensive and targeted because the abuser is selective on whom to abuse: spouse, children, family pet, etc. The abuser is strategic; he/she is not randomly abusing people. If it is just an anger problem then he/she can attend anger management classes to learn alternative ways to cope with anger.
What the community and the domestic violence abuser need to understand is that domestic violence isn’t about anger, it is deeper than that. It is about power and control, controlling someone else’s life. In dv, the abuser has deep underlying issues that are bothering him/her and unless and until theses overwhelming feelings are addressed, there is no way that the behavior can be stopped.
Personally speaking, I am a huge advocate of prevention and that can be achieved through education, awareness, and community involvement, for example:
- Creating awareness about the problem, educating teenagers in schools, talking to children around the dinner table
- Training appropriate people to respond to the problem
- Assisting children to cope with their anger at very early ages and teaching them to respect each other.
- Providing training on healthy relationships
- Pre-marital classes
If domestic violence is occurring:
- Agree to help the victim unconditionally without passing judgment
- Train appropriate people (first responders) in mosques on what to do if they get a call.
- Training local law enforcement, and other professionals in the fields about Islamic culture and ways of working with the women/families in DV situation
- Provide appropriate resources to assist the victims
- Provide appropriate resources to assist the victims
- Empower the victims through education, information and awareness about the applicable laws and judicial system, victims’ rights and advocacy.
Safety Plan
An abuser can appear charming, very attentive, and caring in front of others. He/she might not show his/her anger to his/her boss or to the police or any other person of authority, but cannot control his anger around the victim. So, trust the victim, and listen carefully to her/his story and experiences rather than passing any judgment. Assist the victims regardless of the fact that the abuser can be a family friend, a brother at a mosque/Islamic center or a family member. Remember that Allah mentioned in the Qur’an that:
“ Oh you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice as witnesses to God, even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or your relatives; and whether it is against someone who is rich or poor”. (Quran 4:135)
It is imperative to let the victim know that:
- She/he cannot control her/his abuser, but she/he has a choice of leaving an abusive situation and seeking safety for her/himself and her/his children.
- Leaving is not easy.
- She/he must get ready to leave as soon as she/he realizes that it is dangerous for her, and her children to live for a long time in abusive relations.
- Financial, emotional, and other issues are part of the decision of leaving.
- It might take several attempts before she/he can permanently leave.
- She/he needs to have a safety plan
- She/he has rights; and there are resources to get help
- She/he needs to have a friend or a family member who knows the code word to immediately know that she/he needs help, and call 911.
- Have all important info (medical card, address book welfare card etc) and other essential information saved at some place other than her house.
In short if you see someone in a DV situation:
- Bring up the subject
- Acknowledge the seriousness of her/his situation
- Don’t buy into her/his denial
- Respect her/his right to make her/his own decisions
- Go with her/him to get medical attention, police, court, or see an attorney.
- Plan safe strategies
- Plan safe strategies
It is important that we encourage Muslim families to have healthy relations without abusing each other. But if there is a situation where help is required, we as an Umma need to be there for and provide full support to the victim(s) of this problem in whatever way we can assist in order to have a safer and healthier community. We must remember that we as a community must be part of the solution to this problem.
Ibn Sa’d emphasized the Prophet’s refusal to give in on the question of violence: The Prophet had always persisted in his opposition to the beating of women. “I cannot bear seeing a quick-tempered man beat his wife in a fit of anger.” (Ibn Sa’d, Tabaqat, vol. 8, p. 204)
In case of emergency:
- Dial 911
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224.
- Call: 1-800-978-3600 ( Southern CA )
For more information regarding this topic please contact the Bridges to Family Harmony Coalition at mwl@mwlusa.org and/or www.mwlusa.org.
(Rohida Khan is the Director of the federally-funded (NETS) for TSA - The Salvation Army - and is based at their Western US Headquarters in Long Beach, California. She is directing an innovative and comprehensive program to combat all forms of human trafficking in three major US cities – Denver, Anchorage and El Paso. In this role, she helped develop and implement community-based responses to human trafficking, including creation of multi-disciplinary task forces, services, public awareness, training and protocol development. Ms. Khan has Masters Degrees in International Relations, Psychology, and Political Science. She also has a Law degree (LLB) and a Bachelor Degrees in Arts.)
