Ramadan Reflection
By Anila Ali
Irvine, CA
"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] 'uff' [i.e., an expression of irritation or disapproval] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'" [Qur’an 17:23-24]
In April 2008, we received the news that my mother was diagnosed with a cancer - a rare progressive and fatal cancer in the last stages with no real treatment.
She was living in Pakistan very comfortably and didn’t know that probably for over a decade she’d had this cancer growing inside her. In retrospect, her not knowing was probably the best thing for all of us for she was able to live many years without the fear of imminent death upon her.
After lengthy consultations, my family decided to bring her to the United States to get her whatever treatment was possible. She was not told that it was cancer, neither was she told that it was in the last stages. She came to the US in May 2008 and met with doctors and it was clear to her that she had some sort of cancer and it was fatal. The doctors, despite our best efforts to coax them into deflating her prognosis, gave it to her straight. I still recall the day she looked the doctor in the eye and asked:
“How long do I have, Doctor?”
At that moment, I saw a brave woman not just my mother, dealing with what life had give her with utmost dignity and unwavering faith in the Almighty. That was the mother I’d known for my entire life but this courageous woman, had blown me apart with her tenacity. In my mind, I was brokering deals with God - “Allah if you cure her, I will say all my prayers and keep all fasts; I will devote my life to helping others, I will not gossip and back-bite, I will do whatever you have asked.”
I prayed day and night and felt overwhelmed. The prayers led me to believe that Allah was listening and he would not take my mother away from me. As her treatment progressed, I became confident that Allah loved me and he was going to let me keep my mother.
As a family, we got together more often; thousands of miles of distance between siblings was crossed within hours and we huddled together to support each other. We would while away the hours reminiscing about our childhood and pondering about our lives. We did everything except think of the worst-case scenario - what if the treatment doesn’t work?
We all knew that we had to touch every moment of mother’s remaining life with love. We had the chance to return the infinite love that she had given us and that was a blessing from God.
Most of the days passed uneventfully through her months of treatment; we felt buoyed in an empty abyss, swayed by love and hope in God’s unbounded mercy.
After four months, her cancer went into remission and she was given the doctor’s approval to return home - to Pakistan. I know that I didn’t want her to leave - I’d heard too many horror stories about the hospitals in Pakistan and their negligent after-care. But I couldn’t stop her and for that I blame myself even today. If she had stayed on in California, she wouldn’t have caught the flu and gotten worse. God had a plan and no mortal could change it.
Over the years, I have come to accept life without my mother by focusing on the values that she wanted me to live by.
After her passing away, I looked and looked like a mad scientist for answers, about her disease, her treatment, and if there was more we could have done but I continued flailing around in the dark rarely stumbling over a moment of contentment and peace.
Grief comes in waves; sometimes you sit and cry for 20 minutes and sometimes you feel like you got an electric shock and feel pure, deep happiness. Now there is not much crying, just a deep, deep void.
My mother’s demise taught me that children exist to honor their parents. My time with my mother in her last few months on earth taught me about the meaning of life and gave me a rationale for mine. My life with my mother and my siblings was filled with laughter, love, and an unbreakable bond. I learned the bittersweet truth of life that we are to cherish the unconditional love that our parents have for us but we must also learn to let them go when it’s God’s will, but live a life in such a way that their legacy shines like a star.
Yes - I am the luckiest daughter to have experienced such wrenching love for my mother and at the same time, my mother was the luckiest mother as her passing away made us all realize our potential and live life in such a way that she would be proud. There is no experience that can parallel the fear of losing a parent, child, or spouse but what it does show is how we value that person. So if we live life boldly and remember that we could lose our loved ones at any moment, so love them passionately and fearlessly - not because we have absolutely nothing to lose - but because in the blink of an eye - everything we love could be lost.
I wish you a blessed Ramadan with your loved ones.
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