Who will Marry our Daughters, Sisters?
By S.A. Rahman MD
Lawrenceburg, IN
It is the time to address the challenges facing the Ummah in the West.
Marriage is a union between a man and a woman as ordained by God. The idea is not to have just children but to lead a decent life and be a role model for future generations.
Prophet Muhammad (Salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Nikah is my Sunnah, and if someone doesn’t follow my Sunnah, is not one of us” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat). It has been emphasized that even if one is poor and barely making a living for himself, he should get married. God will enlarge his provisions and he will be happy financially, mentally and spiritually.
Every man and woman desires to marry a beautiful woman or a handsome man, preferably rich, and from a good family. Abu Huraira narrated what the Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser” (Bukhari: Vol. 7, Book 62, No. 27). However, he emphasized to marry for religion and taqwa and to have trust in God. He will enrich you in every way.
Today when people are moving across political borders for various reasons, some seek residence in a foreign country through marriage. In Islam, intention (niyah) is central to faith. Thus, such a marriage contracted in sincerity is acceptable, but not as an exploitation or one based on unfairness.
During the jaheliyah, marrying a divorcee or a widow or marrying an older man or woman was frowned upon. Men could marry anyone from 18 to 80, but for women, if they were 30 or above, marriage was ruled out. The Prophet broke this jaheliyah custom with his personal example. He first married Khadija (‘alayhi rahmat), a divorcee and widow, who was 15 years older than him. Later, after she died, he married several divorcees and widows as was commanded by God.
While Islam allows Muslim men to marry women of Ahl-e-Kitab (albeit under certain conditions, see: "Choose the one [among the Kitabiya], who is religious, otherwise you will be dishonored,” (Sahih Muslim), Muslim women are not allowed to do so. Now who will marry Muslim women, especially in smaller communities, where the choices are limited?
Like other communities, Muslims face issues of domestic violence which often end up in divorce, even if a couple had been married for 10-15 years and had two or three children. Some Muslim men become selfish and simply disappear, leaving the spouse with the burden of raising the children. Usually, only a few want to marry a woman with children. In some cases, women have to go back to school to upgrade or learn skills to stand on their own feet to support their children. This produces great hardships for the mother and her parents.
While the new trend has launched an increasing number of women on professional careers, the problem is that by the time these young women succeed in their careers, they reach the age of 28-32 years or more and often are not considered for marriage even though they are highly educated. Men also develop their careers by 30-35 but they still have a fair chance of marrying younger women of the 25-28 age group.
Regrettably, some families give more freedom to their sons while restricting their daughters to strict Shari’ah guidelines. Also, people do not encourage their friends to marry older women and divorcees and widows.
The result is that in every family, there are women with hijab or without hijab, of age 25-30 years or older, staying with their parents, even though they belong to good families and are highly educated. It is time that our scholars emphasize in their juma sermons (khutbahs) and seminars, etc. that Muslims should not shy away from the Sunnah of the Prophet of marrying older women, divorcees and widows.
There is also a dire need for young Muslims to adopt a more flexible attitude and accept each other with “imperfections.” True, they live in a society where choice is the norm, but don’t they see that despite living in sin for years, marriages of choice do fall apart.
Today there are several websites and many Islamic publications that carry matrimonial advertisements while ISNA and other Muslim communities arrange matrimonial banquets to match Muslims. However, the success rate of such initiatives is not very encouraging. It is imperative that parents emphasize not only that their sons should marry Muslim women, but also accept Muslim girls of other ethnicities.
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