October
14, 2005
To Lighten the
Tedium of Air Travel
Flying is no fun. It is so
unnatural. Even birds born to fly appear to find
it boring. Many of them sing and enchant, but never
while flying. Most seem to be in a hurry to get
to their destination. Ducks, geese, cranes and quails,
for instance, that fly long distances are some times
heard making noises that sound like utterances of
anguish on the unavoidable exercise.
Some birds like the ostrich or the kiwi gave up
flying to become totally earth bound –wise
decision. Have you ever seen an ostrich putting
its head in the sand? It is a calumny invented by
man.
Man, an earthly creature, blessed with intellect,
has always used that gift of God to expand his reach
and explore spheres normally not meant for him.
Flying high above the earth surface is one such
feat. He has reached even the moon and his robots
are currently exploring Mars, the red planet.
Being the only innovative creature, he has found
ways of lightening the tedium of remaining for long
hours above the earth surface, his natural habitat.
On a recent trip to Singapore, I found the new Boeing
jumbo jet equipped with small TV screens, one in
front of each seat. Each passenger had the choice
of selecting one of the numerous programs offered.
You could see the screens of passengers in your
neighborhood but the screens were tooled in such
a way that you could see the picture only on the
screen in front of you. That is human ingenuity
to provide you the pleasure of watching the program
of your choice at no cost to your privacy. The peeping
toms in your neighborhood wouldn’t know what
made you suddenly burst into laughter.
Yet, human ingenuity has so far devised no way of
keeping long distance travelers fruitfully occupied
and truly entertained instead of suffering from
a sustained feeling of being blasted through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube. Coming out of
the belly of this metal monster reminds one of the
miracle of Prophet Jonah (Yunus) coming out alive
from the belly of a gargantuan fish.
Let me hasten to add that air travel nowadays is
much safer than travel by car or even by train.
I am mentioning here only one unpalatable aspect
of long distance air journey - boredom. Speaking
of palate, the discontinuance of serving hot meals
on several flights to economize on the cost of travel,
is another unpalatable aspect. But, there is a redeeming
feature to this aspect too. Flight attendants throw
small peanut and pretzel bags at you so that a totally
empty stomach does not make you collapse and become
a bigger problem.
Also, you have the option of taking with you in
a paper bag a packed meal, eat the contents and
spread the crumbs on the floor to your heart’s
content. The polite attendant will not stare at
you and the floor, but would offer you a soda with
her enchanting smile. Anyway, cleaning is the function
of the concerned crew, not of the flight attendants.
Matter of fact, flight attendants are generally
quite considerate and, if you are lucky, you will
be served by a person with an uncanny sense of humor.
Each flight starts with the announcement regarding
the safety belt. Noticing the yawns of the passengers,
one flight attendant said: “To operate your
seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt. If you don’t know how to operate one,
you sure shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised….
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you
have a child with you, secure your mask before assisting
with his or her. If you are traveling with more
than one, pick your favorite.”
In a similar vein another attendant announced: “Your
seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to the shore and take the cushions with you as souvenirs
from our airline.”
Some pilots have a large funny bone too. Here are
some of their notable announcements. “Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain. If you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this plane is on
the wing, and if can light them, you can smoke them.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight 420, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles…. OH, MY God …!!
(silence and suspense for a few moments followed
by the Captain’s voice) I am so sorry if I
scared you; while I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pant!”
A passenger yelled back: “That is nothing.
You should see the back of mine!!!”
“Ladies & Gentlemen, this is your Captain
again. Let me assure you that our airline has some
of the most competent and pretty attendants working
for us. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight.
“
A senior flight attendant came on the intercom awhile
later to announce: “Ladies & Gentlemen:
We have reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort”.
Came the Captain’s voice: “And to enhance
the looks of our attendants.”
Another senior attendant said: “Thank you
for choosing our airline. We hope you enjoyed the
flight and giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Any thing left behind will
be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less
than perfect landing: “We ask you to please
remain seated as Capt. Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing at an airport,
the flight attendant had this to say: “Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the crew bring the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
What a blessing it is to have the company of such
humorous attendants and captains. - arifhussaini@hotmail.com
