Nobember
03, 2006
To Lighten
the Tedium of Air Travel
Flying is no
fun. It is so unnatural. Even birds, born to fly,
appear to find it boring. Many of them sing and
enchant, but never while flying. Most seem to be
in a hurry to get to their destination. Ducks, geese,
cranes and quails, for instance, that fly long distances
are some times heard making noises that sound like
utterances in anguish.
Man, the only creature blessed with intellect, has
always used that gift of God to expand his reach
and explore spheres normally not meant for him.
Flying high above the earth surface is one such
feat.
Being an innovative creature, he has found ways
of lightening the tedium of remaining for long hours
above the earth surface. On a recent trip to Singapore,
I found the new Boeing jumbo jet equipped with small
TV screens, one in front of each seat. Each passenger
had the choice of selecting one of the numerous
programs offered. You could see the screens of passengers
in your neighborhood but the screens were tooled
in such a way that you could see the picture only
on the screen in front of you. That is human ingenuity
to provide you the pleasure of watching the program
of your choice in total privacy. The peeping toms
in your neighborhood wouldn’t know what made
you suddenly burst into laughter.
Yet, human ingenuity has so far devised no way of
keeping long distance travelers fruitfully occupied
and truly entertained instead of suffering from
the ennui of being blasted through the skies in
a pressurized metal tube. Coming out of the belly
of this metal monster reminds one of the miracle
of Prophet Jonah (Yunus) coming out alive from the
belly of a gargantuan fish.
One must admit that air travel nowadays is much
safer than travel by car or even by train. I am
mentioning here only one unpalatable aspect of long
distance air journey - boredom. Speaking of palate,
the discontinuance of serving hot meals on several
domestic flights to economize on the cost, is another
unpalatable aspect. But, there is a redeeming feature
to this aspect too. Flight attendants throw small
peanut and pretzel bags at you so that a totally
empty stomach does not make you go into a tizzy
and create a bigger problem.
Also, you have the option of taking with you in
a paper bag a packed meal, eat the contents and
spread the crumbs on the floor to your hearts content.
The polite attendant will not stare at you and the
floor, but would offer you a soda with her enchanting
smile.
Matter of fact, flight attendants are generally
quite considerate and, if you are lucky, you will
be served by a person with an uncanny sense of humor.
Each flight starts with the announcement regarding
the safety belt. One flight attendant announced:
“To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just
like every other seat belt. If you don’t know
how to operate one, you sure shouldn’t be
out in public unsupervised…. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask
and pull it over your face.”
In a similar vein another attendant announced: “Your
seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the
event of an emergency water landing, please swim
to the shore and take the cushions with you as souvenirs
from our airline.”
Some pilots have a large funny bone too. Here are
some of their notable announcements. “Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain. If you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this plane is on
the wing, and if you can light them, you can smoke
them.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Flight 420,
non-stop from New York to Los Angeles…. OH,
MY God …!! (silence and awe-inspiring suspense
for a few moments followed by the Captain’s
voice) I am so sorry if I scared you; while I was
talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pant!” A passenger yelled
back: “That is nothing. You should see the
back of mine!!!”
“Ladies & Gentlemen, this is your Captain
again. Let me assure you that our airline has some
of the most competent and pretty attendants working
for us. Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight.
“
A senior flight attendant came on the intercom a
while later to announce: “Ladies & Gentlemen:
We have reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort”.
Came the Captain’s voice: “And to enhance
the looks of our attendants.”
Another senior attendant said: “Thank you
for choosing our airline. We hope you enjoyed the
flight and giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Any thing left behind will
be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”
Another flight attendant’s comment after a
rough landing: “We ask you to please remain
seated as Capt. Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing at an airport,
the flight attendant announced: “Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the crew bring the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we’ll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
What a blessing it is to have the company of such
humorous attendants and captains.
